Wednesday, 23 April 2014

Back At The Beginning

As most of you are aware, my donor is no match for me anymore. When I was in and out of hospital after having my kidney removed, I had to have blood transfusions done. This caused anti bodies to produce which gives me a low chance of my body accepting my donors kidney. There isn't much they can do about this and it's left me with hardly any choices.

1. I keep to my donor and we go on a paired match list. Say a couple in the north somewhere and the patient has a donor but they are not compatible but are with me. I can have their kidney and if my donor is compatible with that other patient. They will have his. Swapping donors if you like... The downside.. It took 2 years to find my donor, how long could it take to find someone compatible with me and then find that donor with a patient compatible with Josh? This could take years!

2. I find myself another donor/ wait for a donor. Let's face it though. Not many people want to give away their kidneys. I could be waiting years for someone to come along. 

Either way, I'm playing the waiting game. I don't win! I never win. I'm beginning to think that by the time I get a transplant. It will just fail after the first year. My luck has been completely been blown apart last few years. I just can't catch a break!! I'm starting to question everything. What did I do to deserve this? people say God works in mysterious ways that it's a test. See how strong I can be? Well I give up! There is so much I can take. I have been strong for the last 4 years. My strength is just wasting away and there is just not much left. Others tell me that I'm just going through a rough patch. Things will get better.. Really? Because so far it's just been getting worse. I'm just so fed up with not being able to carry on with my life. So fed up with being ill all the time. Having the most littlest thing stress me out because I'm so stressed out from my health. I just can't take it anymore!

Yeah I have great support. My friends and family are truly amazing! I couldn't thank them enough. It's just not enough. Noone really understands what it is I actually have to go through. Sure I probably have a little moan now and then and people probably think I go on too much about it all. But this is the only way I know how to cope. I just write everything out and that's that. I don't care if people read it or not. I know that if people read it and the right people see it. They come to me and help me through whatever the situation is. I've never been the one to talk about my feelings and stuff. I just end up crying all the time. But on here on my laptop noone can see my tears. I'm free to say what I want and how I want and not worry about anything.

I'm stating to question work. I don't know if I can cope right now with the extra stress. Just thinking about going in and having to deal with whatever situation is thrown at me. I know one day I'm just going to take it out on the wrong people. That's what I do. I just push away people. When I really need someone the most. I push them away. I really need to sit down and talk to work about what's going on but I'm so scared to cry in front of them. I don't want to show signs of weakness. I don't want them to think less of me. I just know I can't keep letting them down. It's not fair on them. As for the new pub I'm working at. Same goes to them. I don't know if I can take on these hours they are giving me. I don't know if it's too much, I don't know if I'm happy there, if I'm going to be happy there. How they will cope with my illness. How they will deal with me breaking down in front of them. EUGH it's just one huge mess at the moment and I just can't seem to ever think straight.

I need time out. Time to myself. REALLY BADLY. Oh but look, I can't go anywhere because of stupid dialysis!! SO SICK OF IT HOLDING ME BACK! I just want to live my life :'( is that so much to ask for?

Tuesday, 11 March 2014

At last

Well I was doing really well until I was admitted into hospital on Sunday! :( 
Nearly 4 months until I was last in my second home. This time, I can safely say it wasn't for my kidneys though YAY! to be honest, I'd much rather it would have been. I'm not going to put too much info as it's quite personal, but basically I got diagnosed with polycystic ovaries! not fun at all! Girls would understand more. I take back all those times I complained that nothing was working! Soooo much pain :'(

What else is happening? 
I'm now back on the transplant waiting list :) things are being discussed regarding Josh (my donor) So hopefully, with any luck, we will have a date soon.. nothing to stop it from going ahead anymore. I'm absolutely petrified! So scary to think that this time next year, in a couple of months in fact, that all this can be over and I will have my life back. I cannot wait to start living my life again. Going to try do as much as I can before time runs out again!  

I'm struggling to come to terms with my new weight. I have tried to put on more weight but nothing seems to work. I had all sorts of build up drinks and powders from my dietitian but nothing worked. I never had an issue with the way I looked before, but since loosing all this weight, I now have a problem with it. I feel kinda selfish because I know there a lot of girls who wish they could loose weight and be this size and whatever but I don't know why anyone would be skin and's not very attractive. Hopefully by summer I will have my old body back :)  

Things are really well for me at the moment. Started my antidepressants again, and it's good to have that extra boost. I've actually been feeling happy again. It's good to have that back in my life right now. Things at home are slowly improving. I'm now back to work, only doing limited hours though. My Grandad is doing really well too :) His foot is slowly getting better, and hopefully he will be up and walking about more soon. I am a little bit worried about my Nan though. As she is having to look after my Grandad and herself. She is very stubborn and doesn't ask for help, so I am quite worried she may push herself :( Love them to bits, wish I could do more to help out. 

As most of you are aware I now have a boyfriend.. not really sure why or how but a friend told me to stop running away from my feelings and to start putting a little trust into someone again. That's when Martin came along. He hasn't once given me a reason not to give him a chance and its been a few months now so we are now official. Still can't really bring myself to terms with it. Everything that I have been running from I've now gone running into? I'm excited to see what happens, he's such an amazing person. I'm just too worried I'm gonna end up messing it all up like I usually do. Eugh. I think I think too much, I need to just let it happen. But I do need to be sensible because I don't want either of us getting in too deep and one of or both of us end up getting hurt. Can't help but still have stupid nagging thought in the back of my mind though. SIGH!

Thank you all for all your support and reading all my rubbish :) 
Until next time <3