Monday, 21 October 2013

Knocking On Heavens Doors

On July 1st, I had to have my left kidney removed due to having a cyst on it. Doctors didn't want it to affect my new kidney when I get it. I was out within 5 days. A week later I was back in with a lot of pain around the operated area. Due to being on the worst ward ever, they didn't do much and just put me on painkillers. I had fluid build up underneath my lung and was told it would go the more I walked around, that my body would absorb it. So they let me home. The next day, puss was oozing out of my scar, I went to hospital and I was feeling just fine to begin with. Doctors squeezed most of the puss out and took blood tests and started me on some antibiotics. That evening, I had a lot of trouble breathing and really bad chest pains. I had an xray which showed a lot more fluid building up around my lung and from all the pressure my lung collapsed at the bottom. Any later and my whole lung would of collapsed. My blood results come back and my infection marks were dangerously high. Doctors took blood cultures which showed I had sepsis (blood poisoning). I was rushed down to critical care and that's all I really remember. I had to have a chest drain put in so it drained the fluid and I also had a drain for all the infection that had built up in the kidney space. So not only was I fighting off this infection, I also had blood poisoning! I was completely out of it most of the time. I don't remember having the tubes put in or anything else. The last day I was in CCU, I was starting to pick up. I was still very weak and had tubes in me for quite a while. I never knew how bad things were until I was out of critical care and one of my Doctors had stayed with me. He explained things to me and I was so upset. I got a hug out of him though which was a win win :p

I was in for 3 weeks, came out for 4 days and was re admitted for a further 5 weeks. It has been a total nightmare. To know that I was fighting for my life has really spooked me. Everyone thought at one point I wasn't going to make it through, things had gotten that bad. Everyone has said that I fought through, how strong I am and how brave I am.. I don't feel like that though? All my thanks goes to the two doctors that were ontop of everything. They were the ones that got everything done straight away, got me on antibiotics even before they knew what was wrong. They were always one step ahead. I couldn't be more thankful for them both being there that night. I grew a great relationship with them both and it was soo nice to have doctors that I could talk to and feel safe in their care. Sadly, one of the Doctors transferred to another hospital. It was so heartbreaking to see him go as he had done soo much for me. I gave him a thank you card and a syringe pen ha and I just hope he's doing well. I'd love to see him again, just because I don't feel like I really thanked him enough for saving my life.

I got readmitted again at the start of October. By this point, I have just had enough of going back and forth with the same problem and the Doctors not being able to cure it. There was no reason to why fluid kept building up. It kept getting infected and Doctors were just stunned to know exactly why?? But I'm on antibiotics for a long period now and I'm having to watch what I drink to see if that helps. I just want to hurry up and get better, so I can go back to work! I need to build my energy back up first, I also need to put on a lot of weight back on. I've lost 4stn all together. I've gained a stone but still none of my clothes fit anymore :( I'm eating loads but still no weight gaining. It's rather upsetting and I've become very self-conscious about my body. I've never before had a problem with the way I look, but since loosing all this weight, I hate it!

I got yet more bad news whilst I was in hospital. So apparently, it's normal for renal patients to not have periods.. So basically, It may not come back, even when I have my transplant. I just have to wait and see what happens after the transplant. I was told that if it doesn't come back. I will need to go through treatment if I ever want kids. This has actually really gotten to me. I've never wanted kids, but I wanted that to be my choice, not one that's decided for me, ya know? It has actually really upset me that I may never be able to have kids. Deep down, I always hoped I would change my mind on the situation. Just everything about it scares me, so I was always put off. But now that it may never happen, I don't know, It just kind of sucks!

I've been through so fucking much lately. I find myself crying all the time. Just because I can't fit into my favourite jeans anymore. Just one little pain I get in my back or chest, I'm crying because I'm so scared I have to go back into hospital. I just want to be well again. I want to be strong again, but I've been knocked down so many times I just don't have the energy to get back up again. As soon as I fight my way through all this, I just get knocked down again. I just don't have the energy anymore to get back up. I want to, I know I should but, I dunno, just scared to get through it all to be knocked down again. I want to get on with my life. I've been at deaths door and been given another chance, I want to just live my life to the fullest and make every moment count. I can't though when I'm permanently stuck in this never ending nightmare! I can't do anything without my health being affected! EUGH! Just had enough now.