Thursday, 28 March 2013

Life

I'm starting to loose hope/ faith again.

I've started seeing a specialist and I've had to talk about stuff I've never told anyone before. It's really freaked me out because of everything that I've had to re-live. All those feelings bought back. I'm going to be honest and I'm going to be talking a lot about it in this post. So this is just me getting it all out there. So nothing exciting I'm afraid.

I've always said that I don't want kids and that I don't want to get married. People have said the same thing.. 'You say that now, but in a few years time..' People don't realise just how badly it freaks me out.. I HATE kids, like I can tolerate a few I mean, I'm a huge kid at heart so I get along great with them. But it's just those bratty, spoilt ones that throw tantrums for no reason. I totally freak out if I have to hold a baby. I try so hard not to let it show but deep down I'm just screaming for someone to take it away lol don't get me wrong, babies are cute and all but only when they're asleep. When I go see my niece and she starts crying, I proper freak out and give her back to my sister lol I love having cuddles with her now but as soon as she's crying, back to mum she goes haha.
I generally don't ever wanna have kids of my own. It really freaks me out. I have to like have this human being growing inside me for 9 months!! It like grows, inside, just chilling inside me.. Ooo no! It freaks me out loads! You feel it moving, kicking and not only that.. But giving birth!! I see those shows and it doesn't look pretty.. Why would I go through with that? Just why? Lol I'd make a terrible mum! :| I'm the most forgetful person Ever!! I wouldn't be able to keep up with how old it would be, I'd forget to do all sorts. Babies need routine and I hate routines. I can barely get myself into one! Not only all of that but I have to find the right person to raise a baby with? Fuck that! Lol

I have some serious commitment issues. I've had 2 serious relationships in my life 1 when I was 18 and one when I pretty much started dialysis. Everything else in between was just either a fling that latest a few months or just generally didn't count as anything. I just freak out when
It comes to feelings and commitments and getting serious. Eugh! I have you know I'm never getting married either. I just don't see the point. I don't need some paper and I don't need to be wasting money on some stupid event that I'm gonna have to be celebrating each year. I don't wanna get married and then divorced. Id rather just not get married and break up from a relationship and be single not divorced. And then you'll be sharing a life with them.. Growing old together for them to pass away when you're both grey and old. heartbreaking when you loose someone and I just don't wanna go through with it.

I haven't exactly had the best example of 'love' in my family. My dad leaving my life and my mum bringing me up by herself from the age of 17. Then my stepdad raising me for 4/5 years, marrying my mum then fucking off, leaving my mum raising 3 kids by herself. I saw what it did to her when her marriage ended. I do not wanna go through that! Ever!
I don't want to be left stranded raising a kid by myself, or divorced thanks. I just know what it's like growing up with one parent and seeing them struggle. I don't ever want that for my kids, or struggle to have things right for them. I'm unstable as it is and I don't ever wanna settle down. I wanna keep on living my life whilst I have the 2nd chance to do so. don't need to be tied down. it really freaks me out that everyone's dating all these people trying so hard to find the one. When I'm just like.. I just wanna find out who I am first I wanna discover all the things I don't know about myself. Find things I like and what I don't like. conquer my fears and just go out there and live. I'm more than happy not to have someone 'love' me. I have friends and family I don't need a lover.

My stepdad made me look after my brother and sister all the time when they were babies. I had to feed them change them and all sorts, I guess in a way it's why I'm put off having kids. Another because it freaks me out so much. I might just adopt or become a foster parent.. Like there are so many kids in care. Why not give them a chance at life ? Instead of raising my own kids in this fucked up world. Might as well give the ones that already exist a home.

I need something new to happen. I need my life back and I need to get motivated. I just don't know how to go about things though. I don't wanna start college because of the operations. I can't be missing college :/ but I don't wanna leave it too late. So what can I do between now and then? I need something.

An awesome adventure..

Shocking news

I had an appointment with the pre transplant team to talk about the lead up to the operation. I had news that hit me like a ton of bricks!

So I've had this cyst on my left kidney for a while now. It's not been causing any problems or growing. It's just pretty much stayed the same. Doctors didn't seem to worry about it so neither did I. The doctor I saw however thinks that it could cause problems in the future after transplantation. So he wants to remove my left kidney before the transplant.

As you can imagine, I was blown back. I had no idea that I'd have to go through this. I never gave it a second thought. I was so shocked and just totally lost. I got very tearful and just kinda broke down. I know it's going to be good to get it out as I don't want any complications in the future. It's just I don't wanna be have 2 major operations. I've been so scared about this transplant as it is. I have I pretty much go for 2 major operations now.
My friend Rebecca was there with luckily and I got a hug straight away. It was nice to have someone there when I got that news.

So now I just have to wait for the consultant to arrange an operation date. Then once I've recovered from that, I can start getting ready for my transplant.
Since then, I've been totally lost. In a world of my own. I don't know why it's affected me so much or whether it's other things as well. I'm just proper down in the dumps. I used to be able to fake a smile and carry on but not I can barely do that I don't really know how much more of this I can take. I'm slowly breaking down

Thursday, 14 March 2013

feeling low

There's a lot been happening recently. I'm trying to get out of debt as much as I can. One more payment and it will be all cleared. I'm paying it off monthly but with other stuff to pay out for I'm slowly failing. next pay day though I can hopefully pay it all off, I've been working more hours so i'll be debt free. yay :)

Next steps is to save up and start my driving. I'm having a bit of a debate though. Should I a) get a car, get insured and get driving lessons from people or do I b) continue paying out for driving lessons and then get a car? I'm thinking that option A is better. I can save up the driving lesson money for a car and just get a couple of lessons just to get me prepared for my test.

Still having a lot of family problems which really sucks. I just wish I could run away and start fresh. It's not helping with my health and it's adding to the stress. Way too much going on and I can't even relax at home most of the time because of everything happening around here. Just wish things were different.

I had to go to the doctor today, I have to have tests done tomorrow at dialysis. I got to starve myself for 12 hours before though which totally sucks. It's not looking good to be honest :( if the blood test doesn't show anything then there's something else going on. If the results show something then it's worse than bad :( It's a little personal to be sharing with the world for now. But when I do get the results, Then I'll be posting back on here no doubt.

In other news, I had my MRI scan done on Tuesday. I'm hoping that the results come back all good as then the date for the transplant can go ahead :D I can't wait! I really want my life back. I'm looking to do volunteer work for kidney foundation or with the hospital. It would be good to get experience.

Other than that - everything's slowly falling into place