Saturday, 9 February 2013

One Year Later

Looking back on the year, A LOT has changed.

This time last year, I was suffering a lot with depression, refusing that I had a problem and just brushed it off telling myself that I was fine, when really I wasn't. I was in a relationship that was falling apart - still refused to believe that it was going wrong. I was a few weeks away from having a huge break down. Having really bad night terrors. Still being stuck at home, with dialysis.

Now a year later I'm in a much better place! I haven't felt so free in ages! Generally more positive about things. Sure It's been such a rubbish start to the year but I generally feel like this year is my year!

Things with Chris (my ex) were really bad and I really wish I could turn back time on that. I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I let things get in the way. I let my depression take over. I totally dragged him down with me and that was so unfair on him. He was amazing through my health. Really helped me out loads. We just went through so much, good and bad. Didn't help me feeling so negative about things. I took a lot of it out on our relationship. I just wish he didn't hate me so much, so we could still be mates. I do miss him. He is truly an amazing guy and I hope he reads this and sees how much I really did appreciate everything he did for me and how I'm truly sorry for just being such a mess. I pushed him away far too much when really I should of just opened up to him. I don't know why I ever thought I couldn't talk to him.

I started the anti-depressants a few weeks after Chris and I broke up. after about 4 weeks I started to feel the difference. I started feeling more positive and just knew I had to start getting on with my life and trying to make my way through the never ending road of horror. I got my ESA from when I wasn't working and that really helped because it meant I could pay off debts and I treated myself to a new laptop and I just took each day as it came I guess. Got myself another part time job in the pub down the road from me and started to get out the house more. Had my operation back in October to have the fistula out into my hand. Then came the hardest bit. Winter!

I allwwayss get ill over Christmas, it's become a tradition now. Sammii (my sister) went into hospital I do believe towards the end of November. Then I went in a few days after she came out. It was like a total mess. They still don't know what was wrong with me by the way. They did sooo many tests including that horrible camera inside me! (ooh the humiliation still haunts me! but I got to see my bladder which was pretty awesome) I put it down to the P.D fluid. After I started Hemo-dialysis I was feeling much better. So maybe my body just couldn't handle all this fluid anymore. Just don't know!

In my last Post I mentioned about my Grandad. He is doing much better now! He's back home and doing well. He had to have stems? stens? something put into his heart anyways. Turns out he had blocked arteries ): bless him! ( no he doesn't smoke ) I absolutely LOVE my grandad. He's an amazing guy and he truly is the one guy I know I can count on. He is like the closest thing I've ever had to a dad. I don't know what I'd ever do without him!

So yeah, some people already know that I have a Donor lined up. It's pretty exciting stuff! The hospital want to make sure i'm healthy enough for the operation so I have to have an MRI scan soon and all sorts of other tests no doubt. The hospital where the operation will be have confirmed everything though.

I'm a bit over whelmed by it all if i'm honest. Like, I don't even know this person. He's crazy for going through this for a stranger. It's such a HUGE step to take for both of us. I'm finding it a bit of a struggle. I mean, why? Why would he do this for me? What have I done to deserve this? I just feel like I've cheated the system. Soo many great people that I have met waiting for their moment and here's me already got one lined up. I guess I just feel bad, I know what they're going through :/

Now, my donor and I have been talking and building up a friendship. I get that he wants to build up a friendship and I get he wants to get to know me, I mean if I was going to give someone my organ, I think I'd want to get to know them.. But I'm so closed up. I hate it when people get to close. I push everyone away that do. I keep everyone at arms length and I think I have 2 people that I can really open up to.
I love all my friends, and they all have been amazing! They know that if I'm low that I will open up if I need to, or if i need something I will go to them. Which is why they never ask whats going on when I'm actually going through a lot. I hate it when I'm not ok and all you get is people going on at you -.- 'you ok? talk to me? what's up? you sure you're ok? OMG just shut up!! - so yeah my mates know that if i open up to them, than its serious stuff. I hate talking about my stuff to people. Just rather deal with it by myself I guess.
So this whole situation with my donor is just freaking me out. I know it would be great to be good mates but right now he's already stepped over the mark and gone from a stranger to someone who is saving my life? it's not right! it's far too much to accept, and now he wants to be my friend? ahhh! I'm not ok with all of this! I'm happy to speak to him, but we're taking this friendship way too fast! HAHA sounds like we're in a relationship! He must think I hate him most of the time cause I just keep being off with him as he keeps pointing out. I dunno I just don't know how to deal with this? He'll prob read this and think what a twat haha but I just hope that it's given him a rough idea to why I'm so closed up and that i don't hate him :p
If you are reading Josh, Thank you!!! <3 and you smell ;)
I just take all of my friendships serious! Like the past 3 years I've really realized who i can and can't count on. people always come and go but it's the ones who stick around that you have to keep close. I'm still trying to figure out who those people are. When new people come into my life I freak out.

Oh and cause I said I'd mention this next douchebag in my next post :
James - you're a right weirdo! (Y) HA!