last week I had a panic attack.. Yep that wasn't fun whatsoever! I usually get a little tearful and shake and all when I see a spider (huge fear) but that usually settles down.
This one was serious, I kept shaking, I couldn't stop crying, my chest kept tightening up. It was horrible! I had no choice but to call 999. Luckily enough the paramedic that came out is one of the locals that comes into the pub I work in. So it was a lot more relaxing having someone I knew. It took 2 hours all together for me to eventually calm down. Was horrible :( the next day at dialysis I had another which was really bad! Luckily enough everyone was really supportive.
I've had to change anti-depressants and I've got to see how I go I guess.
I still can't get over the fact I broke down like that. I'm so scared its going to happen again. I'm dealing with a lot right now and I get times where I just need to be left alone. Just run away somewhere and leave all my stress behind. But no reality kicks in and it totally sucks ass!
I've been getting into a new hobby - spray painting! Always wanted to do it and since a friend of mine started I couldn't help but to get him to teach me all the secrets and all. So thanks to him I'm even more hooked :p
I've been updating my CV which only means one thing - job hunting! But I'm looking for jobs up north or somewhere in London. If I can get a decent job I can look into a flat/house share. Finally get out of this place.
I have a lot of things to look forward to which is always a good thing. My tattoo being one. I'm seeing paramore in September. I cannot wait!! my grandparents have also invested in a caravan near a beach so I'm hoping to have a weekend by myself soon down there. It would be great to get away for a bit tbh. I need it!
In the mean time I'm saving up from one job and spoiling myself with the other job. I've finally gotten myself some new clothes which I've desperately needed. Next pay check is going on my tattoo and I've got enough to cover me until then so I can start up my driving next week :) I'm finally getting stuff rolling. Finally getting somewhere.
So why do I feel so down still? I feel like there's something missing still.
Still no dates set on any of my kidney operations. doctors are chasing up the removal of my kidney. Then depending on recovery speed, I won't get the transplant for a while after that -.- this takes sooo long! I just want to start living my life. Go explore different countries and just do loads of adventures. My health has held me back so much I can't wait to just get out there!
I'm setting myself a goal that by Christmas has come I would of gotten at least 2/3 tattoos, closer to passing both theory and driving test, been to a gig, gone on holiday and I know this out of my hands but at least 1/2 operations out the way.
Bring it on!