Monday, 21 October 2013

Knocking On Heavens Doors

On July 1st, I had to have my left kidney removed due to having a cyst on it. Doctors didn't want it to affect my new kidney when I get it. I was out within 5 days. A week later I was back in with a lot of pain around the operated area. Due to being on the worst ward ever, they didn't do much and just put me on painkillers. I had fluid build up underneath my lung and was told it would go the more I walked around, that my body would absorb it. So they let me home. The next day, puss was oozing out of my scar, I went to hospital and I was feeling just fine to begin with. Doctors squeezed most of the puss out and took blood tests and started me on some antibiotics. That evening, I had a lot of trouble breathing and really bad chest pains. I had an xray which showed a lot more fluid building up around my lung and from all the pressure my lung collapsed at the bottom. Any later and my whole lung would of collapsed. My blood results come back and my infection marks were dangerously high. Doctors took blood cultures which showed I had sepsis (blood poisoning). I was rushed down to critical care and that's all I really remember. I had to have a chest drain put in so it drained the fluid and I also had a drain for all the infection that had built up in the kidney space. So not only was I fighting off this infection, I also had blood poisoning! I was completely out of it most of the time. I don't remember having the tubes put in or anything else. The last day I was in CCU, I was starting to pick up. I was still very weak and had tubes in me for quite a while. I never knew how bad things were until I was out of critical care and one of my Doctors had stayed with me. He explained things to me and I was so upset. I got a hug out of him though which was a win win :p

I was in for 3 weeks, came out for 4 days and was re admitted for a further 5 weeks. It has been a total nightmare. To know that I was fighting for my life has really spooked me. Everyone thought at one point I wasn't going to make it through, things had gotten that bad. Everyone has said that I fought through, how strong I am and how brave I am.. I don't feel like that though? All my thanks goes to the two doctors that were ontop of everything. They were the ones that got everything done straight away, got me on antibiotics even before they knew what was wrong. They were always one step ahead. I couldn't be more thankful for them both being there that night. I grew a great relationship with them both and it was soo nice to have doctors that I could talk to and feel safe in their care. Sadly, one of the Doctors transferred to another hospital. It was so heartbreaking to see him go as he had done soo much for me. I gave him a thank you card and a syringe pen ha and I just hope he's doing well. I'd love to see him again, just because I don't feel like I really thanked him enough for saving my life.

I got readmitted again at the start of October. By this point, I have just had enough of going back and forth with the same problem and the Doctors not being able to cure it. There was no reason to why fluid kept building up. It kept getting infected and Doctors were just stunned to know exactly why?? But I'm on antibiotics for a long period now and I'm having to watch what I drink to see if that helps. I just want to hurry up and get better, so I can go back to work! I need to build my energy back up first, I also need to put on a lot of weight back on. I've lost 4stn all together. I've gained a stone but still none of my clothes fit anymore :( I'm eating loads but still no weight gaining. It's rather upsetting and I've become very self-conscious about my body. I've never before had a problem with the way I look, but since loosing all this weight, I hate it!

I got yet more bad news whilst I was in hospital. So apparently, it's normal for renal patients to not have periods.. So basically, It may not come back, even when I have my transplant. I just have to wait and see what happens after the transplant. I was told that if it doesn't come back. I will need to go through treatment if I ever want kids. This has actually really gotten to me. I've never wanted kids, but I wanted that to be my choice, not one that's decided for me, ya know? It has actually really upset me that I may never be able to have kids. Deep down, I always hoped I would change my mind on the situation. Just everything about it scares me, so I was always put off. But now that it may never happen, I don't know, It just kind of sucks!

I've been through so fucking much lately. I find myself crying all the time. Just because I can't fit into my favourite jeans anymore. Just one little pain I get in my back or chest, I'm crying because I'm so scared I have to go back into hospital. I just want to be well again. I want to be strong again, but I've been knocked down so many times I just don't have the energy to get back up again. As soon as I fight my way through all this, I just get knocked down again. I just don't have the energy anymore to get back up. I want to, I know I should but, I dunno, just scared to get through it all to be knocked down again. I want to get on with my life. I've been at deaths door and been given another chance, I want to just live my life to the fullest and make every moment count. I can't though when I'm permanently stuck in this never ending nightmare! I can't do anything without my health being affected! EUGH! Just had enough now. 

Thursday, 15 August 2013

Missing Kidney

This past month has been a nightmare!

So in order to have my transplant, I had to have my left kidney taken out as it had a cyst in it. Fine, simple operation right? Oh no, not for me -.-

I had my operation on the 1st July, home 5/6 days later. Week later I'm back in hospital with real bad pains in the area. They put me on the most useless ward EVER. All the staff are just rubbish! Didn't feel as though I was being looked after at all. Kinda like they just left me to it. Was released a few days later, oh but look, I'm back in the next day cause there is puss oozing from the scar -.-

4 weeks later I'm still here! It's been one hell of experience. When I left the hospital the second time, I had fluid build up where the kidney was, Doctors just thought it was a blood clot and that it would just go by itself. I had fluid underneath my lungs but as long as I kept walking around and kept sitting up right, it should just go by itself. HA! next day I'm back in hospital, puss coming out of me and barely being able to breathe. Not only that, I had fluid that had almost filled up all around my lung! The bottom of my lung had collapsed, another day and my whole lung would of gone and that would of been that lung gone. So, here I am on the bed just thinking I have an infection, when everyone is really worried about me and rushing around. Then I find out it was a very serious infection, not many people have pulled through :/

Think I had 1 night on the ward, next day, I'm being rushed down to ICU ( intensive care unit ) I don't really remember much after that. I was pretty out of it for most of it. Was on so many pain killers and so many antibiotics, I just slept. I had to have to drains put into me. One in my chest to drain the fluid from there, and one where the kidney was to drain the pussy yuckiness that was there. I got moved back to my usual ward after about 5/6 days down in ICU. Things slowly improving, fluid from the lung had gone but my lung was still collapsed. Doctors weren't too worried and were pretty sure it would open by itself in time. Had the chest drain out and still kept the other one in, as that were still draining mucky stuff. Over the days my blood test results got better and better. Had the 2nd drain removed. Few days later, I go really downhill again. They do a scan, more fluid had built up in the space of where the kidney was. Because my blood results were still going down, they weren't so worried this time round. got a proper look at it, was a little blood clot, doctors didn't want to cut me open and expose me to more germs if they really didn't need to. So, change of antibiotics and things seem to be going well, I'm looking at going home tomorrow :D

Hopefully, it will be for good this time! I do NOT wanna be coming back. So, I'm going to talk to the doctors later about any concerns and worries. Can't wait to get home! 4 weeks of tele to catch up on. no one will hear from me haha.

I would of never have gotten through any of this without such great support from everybody. Family, Friends that came to see me. The staff here, especially one Doctor. Just wow. Everything that he did for me, how many times he checked up on me and all the small things he did for me. Just really helped. I got him a thank you card, and a syringe pen as thanks, he's now transferred to London :( I'm truly so happy I had the chance to be in his care because it was good to see a doctor actually look after his patient for once. I really wish him and I were able to stay in touch because he is such a nice guy. Stupid rules! - Hopefully, one day I'll run into him again.

Next Journey - Kidney transplant!!! Bring it onn!

Tuesday, 21 May 2013

The journey begins

Since my last post not a lot has happened. I wish I had more to report but I'm afraid I don't.

last week I had a panic attack.. Yep that wasn't fun whatsoever! I usually get a little tearful and shake and all when I see a spider (huge fear) but that usually settles down.
This one was serious, I kept shaking, I couldn't stop crying, my chest kept tightening up. It was horrible! I had no choice but to call 999. Luckily enough the paramedic that came out is one of the locals that comes into the pub I work in. So it was a lot more relaxing having someone I knew. It took 2 hours all together for me to eventually calm down. Was horrible :( the next day at dialysis I had another which was really bad! Luckily enough everyone was really supportive. 
I've had to change anti-depressants and I've got to see how I go I guess. 

I still can't get over the fact I broke down like that. I'm so scared its going to happen again. I'm dealing with a lot right now and I get times where I just need to be left alone. Just run away somewhere and leave all my stress behind. But no reality kicks in and it totally sucks ass! 

I've been getting into a new hobby - spray painting! Always wanted to do it and since a friend of mine started I couldn't help but to get him to teach me all the secrets and all. So thanks to him I'm even more hooked :p 

I've been updating my CV which only means one thing - job hunting! But I'm looking for jobs up north or somewhere in London. If I can get a decent job I can look into a flat/house share. Finally get out of this place. 

I have a lot of things to look forward to which is always a good thing. My tattoo being one. I'm seeing paramore in September. I cannot wait!! my grandparents have also invested in a caravan near a beach so I'm hoping to have a weekend by myself soon down there. It would be great to get away for a bit tbh. I need it! 

In the mean time I'm saving up from one job and spoiling myself with the other job. I've finally gotten myself some new clothes which I've desperately needed. Next pay check is going on my tattoo and I've got enough to cover me until then so I can start up my driving next week :) I'm finally getting stuff rolling. Finally getting somewhere.
So why do I feel so down still? I feel like there's something missing still.

Still no dates set on any of my kidney operations. doctors are chasing up the removal of my kidney. Then depending on recovery speed, I won't get the transplant for a while after that -.- this takes sooo long! I just want to start living my life. Go explore different countries and just do loads of adventures. My health has held me back so much I can't wait to just get out there! 

I'm setting myself a goal that by Christmas has come I would of gotten at least 2/3 tattoos, closer to passing both theory and driving test, been to a gig, gone on holiday and I know this out of my hands but at least 1/2 operations out the way. 

Bring it on!

Thursday, 28 March 2013


I'm starting to loose hope/ faith again.

I've started seeing a specialist and I've had to talk about stuff I've never told anyone before. It's really freaked me out because of everything that I've had to re-live. All those feelings bought back. I'm going to be honest and I'm going to be talking a lot about it in this post. So this is just me getting it all out there. So nothing exciting I'm afraid.

I've always said that I don't want kids and that I don't want to get married. People have said the same thing.. 'You say that now, but in a few years time..' People don't realise just how badly it freaks me out.. I HATE kids, like I can tolerate a few I mean, I'm a huge kid at heart so I get along great with them. But it's just those bratty, spoilt ones that throw tantrums for no reason. I totally freak out if I have to hold a baby. I try so hard not to let it show but deep down I'm just screaming for someone to take it away lol don't get me wrong, babies are cute and all but only when they're asleep. When I go see my niece and she starts crying, I proper freak out and give her back to my sister lol I love having cuddles with her now but as soon as she's crying, back to mum she goes haha.
I generally don't ever wanna have kids of my own. It really freaks me out. I have to like have this human being growing inside me for 9 months!! It like grows, inside, just chilling inside me.. Ooo no! It freaks me out loads! You feel it moving, kicking and not only that.. But giving birth!! I see those shows and it doesn't look pretty.. Why would I go through with that? Just why? Lol I'd make a terrible mum! :| I'm the most forgetful person Ever!! I wouldn't be able to keep up with how old it would be, I'd forget to do all sorts. Babies need routine and I hate routines. I can barely get myself into one! Not only all of that but I have to find the right person to raise a baby with? Fuck that! Lol

I have some serious commitment issues. I've had 2 serious relationships in my life 1 when I was 18 and one when I pretty much started dialysis. Everything else in between was just either a fling that latest a few months or just generally didn't count as anything. I just freak out when
It comes to feelings and commitments and getting serious. Eugh! I have you know I'm never getting married either. I just don't see the point. I don't need some paper and I don't need to be wasting money on some stupid event that I'm gonna have to be celebrating each year. I don't wanna get married and then divorced. Id rather just not get married and break up from a relationship and be single not divorced. And then you'll be sharing a life with them.. Growing old together for them to pass away when you're both grey and old. heartbreaking when you loose someone and I just don't wanna go through with it.

I haven't exactly had the best example of 'love' in my family. My dad leaving my life and my mum bringing me up by herself from the age of 17. Then my stepdad raising me for 4/5 years, marrying my mum then fucking off, leaving my mum raising 3 kids by herself. I saw what it did to her when her marriage ended. I do not wanna go through that! Ever!
I don't want to be left stranded raising a kid by myself, or divorced thanks. I just know what it's like growing up with one parent and seeing them struggle. I don't ever want that for my kids, or struggle to have things right for them. I'm unstable as it is and I don't ever wanna settle down. I wanna keep on living my life whilst I have the 2nd chance to do so. don't need to be tied down. it really freaks me out that everyone's dating all these people trying so hard to find the one. When I'm just like.. I just wanna find out who I am first I wanna discover all the things I don't know about myself. Find things I like and what I don't like. conquer my fears and just go out there and live. I'm more than happy not to have someone 'love' me. I have friends and family I don't need a lover.

My stepdad made me look after my brother and sister all the time when they were babies. I had to feed them change them and all sorts, I guess in a way it's why I'm put off having kids. Another because it freaks me out so much. I might just adopt or become a foster parent.. Like there are so many kids in care. Why not give them a chance at life ? Instead of raising my own kids in this fucked up world. Might as well give the ones that already exist a home.

I need something new to happen. I need my life back and I need to get motivated. I just don't know how to go about things though. I don't wanna start college because of the operations. I can't be missing college :/ but I don't wanna leave it too late. So what can I do between now and then? I need something.

An awesome adventure..

Shocking news

I had an appointment with the pre transplant team to talk about the lead up to the operation. I had news that hit me like a ton of bricks!

So I've had this cyst on my left kidney for a while now. It's not been causing any problems or growing. It's just pretty much stayed the same. Doctors didn't seem to worry about it so neither did I. The doctor I saw however thinks that it could cause problems in the future after transplantation. So he wants to remove my left kidney before the transplant.

As you can imagine, I was blown back. I had no idea that I'd have to go through this. I never gave it a second thought. I was so shocked and just totally lost. I got very tearful and just kinda broke down. I know it's going to be good to get it out as I don't want any complications in the future. It's just I don't wanna be have 2 major operations. I've been so scared about this transplant as it is. I have I pretty much go for 2 major operations now.
My friend Rebecca was there with luckily and I got a hug straight away. It was nice to have someone there when I got that news.

So now I just have to wait for the consultant to arrange an operation date. Then once I've recovered from that, I can start getting ready for my transplant.
Since then, I've been totally lost. In a world of my own. I don't know why it's affected me so much or whether it's other things as well. I'm just proper down in the dumps. I used to be able to fake a smile and carry on but not I can barely do that I don't really know how much more of this I can take. I'm slowly breaking down

Thursday, 14 March 2013

feeling low

There's a lot been happening recently. I'm trying to get out of debt as much as I can. One more payment and it will be all cleared. I'm paying it off monthly but with other stuff to pay out for I'm slowly failing. next pay day though I can hopefully pay it all off, I've been working more hours so i'll be debt free. yay :)

Next steps is to save up and start my driving. I'm having a bit of a debate though. Should I a) get a car, get insured and get driving lessons from people or do I b) continue paying out for driving lessons and then get a car? I'm thinking that option A is better. I can save up the driving lesson money for a car and just get a couple of lessons just to get me prepared for my test.

Still having a lot of family problems which really sucks. I just wish I could run away and start fresh. It's not helping with my health and it's adding to the stress. Way too much going on and I can't even relax at home most of the time because of everything happening around here. Just wish things were different.

I had to go to the doctor today, I have to have tests done tomorrow at dialysis. I got to starve myself for 12 hours before though which totally sucks. It's not looking good to be honest :( if the blood test doesn't show anything then there's something else going on. If the results show something then it's worse than bad :( It's a little personal to be sharing with the world for now. But when I do get the results, Then I'll be posting back on here no doubt.

In other news, I had my MRI scan done on Tuesday. I'm hoping that the results come back all good as then the date for the transplant can go ahead :D I can't wait! I really want my life back. I'm looking to do volunteer work for kidney foundation or with the hospital. It would be good to get experience.

Other than that - everything's slowly falling into place

Saturday, 9 February 2013

One Year Later

Looking back on the year, A LOT has changed.

This time last year, I was suffering a lot with depression, refusing that I had a problem and just brushed it off telling myself that I was fine, when really I wasn't. I was in a relationship that was falling apart - still refused to believe that it was going wrong. I was a few weeks away from having a huge break down. Having really bad night terrors. Still being stuck at home, with dialysis.

Now a year later I'm in a much better place! I haven't felt so free in ages! Generally more positive about things. Sure It's been such a rubbish start to the year but I generally feel like this year is my year!

Things with Chris (my ex) were really bad and I really wish I could turn back time on that. I made a lot of mistakes in the relationship. I let things get in the way. I let my depression take over. I totally dragged him down with me and that was so unfair on him. He was amazing through my health. Really helped me out loads. We just went through so much, good and bad. Didn't help me feeling so negative about things. I took a lot of it out on our relationship. I just wish he didn't hate me so much, so we could still be mates. I do miss him. He is truly an amazing guy and I hope he reads this and sees how much I really did appreciate everything he did for me and how I'm truly sorry for just being such a mess. I pushed him away far too much when really I should of just opened up to him. I don't know why I ever thought I couldn't talk to him.

I started the anti-depressants a few weeks after Chris and I broke up. after about 4 weeks I started to feel the difference. I started feeling more positive and just knew I had to start getting on with my life and trying to make my way through the never ending road of horror. I got my ESA from when I wasn't working and that really helped because it meant I could pay off debts and I treated myself to a new laptop and I just took each day as it came I guess. Got myself another part time job in the pub down the road from me and started to get out the house more. Had my operation back in October to have the fistula out into my hand. Then came the hardest bit. Winter!

I allwwayss get ill over Christmas, it's become a tradition now. Sammii (my sister) went into hospital I do believe towards the end of November. Then I went in a few days after she came out. It was like a total mess. They still don't know what was wrong with me by the way. They did sooo many tests including that horrible camera inside me! (ooh the humiliation still haunts me! but I got to see my bladder which was pretty awesome) I put it down to the P.D fluid. After I started Hemo-dialysis I was feeling much better. So maybe my body just couldn't handle all this fluid anymore. Just don't know!

In my last Post I mentioned about my Grandad. He is doing much better now! He's back home and doing well. He had to have stems? stens? something put into his heart anyways. Turns out he had blocked arteries ): bless him! ( no he doesn't smoke ) I absolutely LOVE my grandad. He's an amazing guy and he truly is the one guy I know I can count on. He is like the closest thing I've ever had to a dad. I don't know what I'd ever do without him!

So yeah, some people already know that I have a Donor lined up. It's pretty exciting stuff! The hospital want to make sure i'm healthy enough for the operation so I have to have an MRI scan soon and all sorts of other tests no doubt. The hospital where the operation will be have confirmed everything though.

I'm a bit over whelmed by it all if i'm honest. Like, I don't even know this person. He's crazy for going through this for a stranger. It's such a HUGE step to take for both of us. I'm finding it a bit of a struggle. I mean, why? Why would he do this for me? What have I done to deserve this? I just feel like I've cheated the system. Soo many great people that I have met waiting for their moment and here's me already got one lined up. I guess I just feel bad, I know what they're going through :/

Now, my donor and I have been talking and building up a friendship. I get that he wants to build up a friendship and I get he wants to get to know me, I mean if I was going to give someone my organ, I think I'd want to get to know them.. But I'm so closed up. I hate it when people get to close. I push everyone away that do. I keep everyone at arms length and I think I have 2 people that I can really open up to.
I love all my friends, and they all have been amazing! They know that if I'm low that I will open up if I need to, or if i need something I will go to them. Which is why they never ask whats going on when I'm actually going through a lot. I hate it when I'm not ok and all you get is people going on at you -.- 'you ok? talk to me? what's up? you sure you're ok? OMG just shut up!! - so yeah my mates know that if i open up to them, than its serious stuff. I hate talking about my stuff to people. Just rather deal with it by myself I guess.
So this whole situation with my donor is just freaking me out. I know it would be great to be good mates but right now he's already stepped over the mark and gone from a stranger to someone who is saving my life? it's not right! it's far too much to accept, and now he wants to be my friend? ahhh! I'm not ok with all of this! I'm happy to speak to him, but we're taking this friendship way too fast! HAHA sounds like we're in a relationship! He must think I hate him most of the time cause I just keep being off with him as he keeps pointing out. I dunno I just don't know how to deal with this? He'll prob read this and think what a twat haha but I just hope that it's given him a rough idea to why I'm so closed up and that i don't hate him :p
If you are reading Josh, Thank you!!! <3 and you smell ;)
I just take all of my friendships serious! Like the past 3 years I've really realized who i can and can't count on. people always come and go but it's the ones who stick around that you have to keep close. I'm still trying to figure out who those people are. When new people come into my life I freak out.

Oh and cause I said I'd mention this next douchebag in my next post :
James - you're a right weirdo! (Y) HA!

Thursday, 17 January 2013

A little glimpse of hope

This month has been one hell of a rollercoaster ride! It hasn't even ended yet..

So I had a donor be tested and he is a match!! It's fantastic news! I'm so grateful that he went through all the testing and is still here wanting to go ahead with the operation! I couldn't be any happier! I am however really scared about it all. It's such a HUGE step to take, not just for me, for him too. I don't want my body to reject the kidney. I know the hospital would do all the testing and everything but still. I just don't want the donor to go through all of this to have the kidney last me a year or something silly. I'd feel absolutely gutted that he's gone through all that for no reason :/ I don't know. I just feel like its a lot to take from someone. Even though, he'd be giving me my life back, there is just no way I could ever repay them..

I had my PD tube removed at the beginning of the month, I'm recovering well but just still have no energy to do anything. It's soooo nice having my tummy back! being able to have a proper bath and not having to worry about my tube! i'm not less at risk of getting an infection and whats better..I can go swimming!! I cannot wait to get my energy back and start getting back to normal.

The last week has been the worst. My Grandad who is 71 next month had a heart attack. He went into cardiac arrest and he was even gone for a few minutes. If it wasn't for the police being at the station that day, well I don't know what would of happened. I wouldn't like to think about it.. The police did all they could, but had to shock him to get his heart beating again. Luckily! It was horrible that day. I was still in hospital, my mum rung me and told me and I just broke down into tears. I love my Grandad more than anything. He's been the only guy in my life that I've ever trusted. The closest I ever had to a dad. He's the one I grew up with. Always loved being at my grand parents. Spent the day just on his bed playing cards, dominoes, chalking on the chalkboard, drawing him pictures. He always spoilt me, always took me to the shop to get me an apple and a pot of rice pudding, cause i just love rice pudding haha. Almost loosing him just absolutely shocked me. I don't know how i'm going to ever take it when I eventually have to say goodbye. I'm hoping that wont happen for a very very long time, but no-one lives forever unfortunately. I just hope he is out of hospital soon so I can spend everyday from no on treasuring the days that we do have left.

I went back to work yesterday and i could barely do 2 hours :( I feel so bad! but I need to focus on my health. They have been so understanding though so it's been such a stress relieve. I don't really know what i'm going to do about work. I don't think I'm going to be able to manage it all. I have to keep an eye on my potassium levels now that i'm on hemo-dialysis, If it gets too high I get very weak and i'm at risk of having a heart attack! I'ts very scary, but I really want to start thinking about what i can do to be that little bit more healthy. So, no more chocolate and no more orange juice for me! kinda sucks but its for the best.

Other than that, there really isn't that much to blog about. I'm still very interested in going traveling. I think though I just want to take holidays to different locations. I don't think it will be good that I go away for ages just in case something goes wrong with my health. So holidays it may have to be. I have looked into maybe working on a cruise ship.. If I just work at the pub and get to know my drinks, get trained up and get experience behind me. I don't see why I couldn't do bar work on the ship and travel the world, It would be amazing!