Saturday, 16 June 2012

I hate thinking..

So things have come to a complete stop again. I rang up job centre to find out what was happening with the claim I made 2 years ago when I was out of work. I made a complaint against it as I've been told by so many people that I'm entitled to have that money. Apparently, I need to send in why I think my claim should be looked into again. I've done this twice now! its such a pain! but I'm struggling so much, I really do hope it will be worth this hassle. Just gotta hold on for a little bit longer I guess.

I'm really unsure about where to go in life right now. I really want to study psychology still. But, I'm really wanting to start travelling. I'm still young and I think it would be awesome. Get loads of work experience in different countries. Then come back and study. I'm just not sure. I'm still considering changing dialysis treatment. It may be easier to travel with it as well. It's gonna be at least 7 months before I can use it. So I have time to re think about my options. Just wish I could talk to someone about my options and see what the best way in life to go would be. It's just so much effort with everything right now.

Since being on the anti-depressants I have been a lot happier. I still have my days, but no where near as bad. I still get really down at times and just feel like doing nothing at times. I just play music and draw. It's pretty hard right now, but hey, it could be worse, right?

Alot has been playing on my mind lately;
My dad mainly! I don't get it? he walked out of my life! he doesn't make much of an effort with me, yet I still find myself worrying for him? I recently been told that he's been depressed and just doesn't want to see anybody. Just sits at home. It made me think, if he did something stupid and wasn't around tomorrow. I know for a fact I would regret not trying to make up with him. I'm just tired of trying when he doesn't seem to wanna know himself. He says it's to late to make an effort with me, when really he hasn't really made much of an effort. Sure he's come to visit me in hospital once and he's wished me a happy birthday. It's better than nothing. I want him to be a dad though! not some loon who kicks off when he cant get his own way. If he made more of an effort and proved that he wants a relationship then I'll be happy to give him that chance. I just don't see why I should make the effort when I wasn't the one who walked away..
Then again, whether I like it or not, he's my dad and part of me does wanna help him through this. Just don't know what to do. So fed up with my family being so messed up!

I wish I had a closer relationship with my older brother too, I just don't really know how to go about it. I've been quite close to my little sister lately. We've been hanging out a lot and its been nice. I just wish i had the chance with my other siblings. Thanks to my dad my youngest sister moved god knows where! only get to see her if her mum can bring her to meet me. My oldest sister (younger than me) lives far away, with no money it's quiet hard to see her too. We text and talk on facebook and stuff but I just wish I could see her more. Same with my brother. He lives close by, but I just don't really know how to ask to hang out more?

I hate thinking :(