Friday, 4 May 2012

Time to face facts..

So I haven't written a post for a while, so what's been happening? Well the past two months have been one hell of a roller coaster ride.

I broke up with my boyfriend because there was just a lot getting in the way. Not only my health but other stuff too. We're still good mates but I miss him a lot. Ive been thinking a lot about how much I must of dragged him down with me being so depressed all the time. I always lashed out on him :/ even if he didn't do anything I always made sure there were something to blame him for :( I was such an idiot for letting my depression control me and letting it affect my relationship. He is such an amazing guy and I was an actual fool to let things get bad between us.
I started anti-depressants a few weeks later and got signed off work. 2 months later and here I am writing a blog and still unsure what to do with my life.
Still talking to Chris, but we've both agreed that it's for the best that we remained friends. I'm pretty gutted that I fucked things up between us but it wasn't exactly fair on him how I was being.
Having the time off work and I guess not having a relationship to worry about has helped lift off a lot of pressure. I've just had me time and I tell you what! It's been so bloody good! Just not having to worry about having a decent sleep for work or doing dialysis wrong and being late for work. Just haven't had anything to worry about and it's just been amazing! I feel a lot better and for the first time in like ages I actually feel happy. Sure I've been upset about Chris now and then but I am to blame and we are still friends which I should be grateful for. If I were him I would of walked ages ago. I'm truly thankful to him for sticking around so long.

Things at home I guess are a little better. Now that I've been a bit more chilled out and more relaxed I'm not letting things get to me as much. Kinda been a little bit closer to my mum but not as much. She's still far more interested in her facebook games. Me and my sister have been a little closer. I try catch up with her and talk about her dramatic teenage life. As for my brother he still sits on his arse, however he has applied for college shockingly! He has an interview soon. So weird to see him leaving school and being in college.

What else? Hmm, I've been in hospital (yay) for some infection the doctors couldn't find. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I'm considering changing dialysis treatment. I'm thinking about going to the hospital to have it done. It will take 3 hours and I would have to go 3 times a week. I'm thinking it will be easier as, 1) I wouldn't have to be home all the time, 2) I can travel much more easier and just go to the nearest hospital 3) it gives me more time for myself to catch up on reading/tv/ or when I start studying i can do that. It will be so good just to go out and not worry about rushing back home for dialysis. And I can go in the evening if I ever wanted to. But I think I would prefer lunch time as then I have the rest of the day free. I don't know. I still have to discuss with the doctors.

My uncle helped me with showing me the kidney association website which help those with kidney disease. They give out grants to help with education/holidays/travel etc. I'm applying for a grant to help pay towards my education. I just need to find the right course first. I'm still looking into psychology just found a few websites with different courses. So I'm getting there slowly :) just taking things one at a time.

The one thing about these tablets though. I get thinking a lot! So I'm always having to do something to stop me from thinking or I end up getting upset, mainly about my health still. I think at the time I just accepted all this change and just went along with it. 'I'll be finee' but really, I think reality has hit harder than ever. I'm just still feeling stuck! Like there is no way out. I just want this to be over with :( really want this operation over! But let's face it! It's never going to be over. This kidney will last me a maximum of 12 years and then I'll be stuck on dialysis again :/ it's just a vicious circle..
When I was in hospital the lady next to me she had breast cancer for the 2nd time in a year. She had already had 1 removed and has to have the 2nd one removed. On top of that her nerves were damaged in her legs. Her eye sight was a bit poor oh and she had diabetes and yet she still managed to smile and just cope. I just dunno how she managed. I can barely cope now and my illness isn't that bad yet. How the hell am I going to cope later on in life? I just don't want to get older! I'm so scared to face what's to come. Most people on dialysis don't wee anymore. I've noticed that I don't go as much anymore and I'm sooo scared to what's going to happen when I eventually stop! Will I have to have a catheter? Walk around with some bag like the elderly have? I don't want that :( I'm proper scared! I don't want this illness anymore!
People actually don't think to how much your body requires your kidneys to work. If it weren't for your kidneys you'd be dead. Yet people abuse being healthy everyday and it really pisses me off! Kidneys do more then get rid of urine!