Tuesday, 13 March 2012

Problem number 1

So I've been signed off work for 2 weeks and I've come to my aunties for the week to get away from my house and try clear my head. I've been here for 4 days and it's made me think a lot about how much I hate it back home. It's not just me moaning about certain things it's actually me hating the place. I really don't want to go back there! It's the main course of my stress.

Not being at home I've been able to relax a little bit more. Not hide away in my room, tread on egg shells or have to worry about anything that my mother piles up on me. I literally hate it there with a passion! I have no where else to go though because no one has the room for me :( just dunno what to do anymore. Do I get a place of my own and not do my education? Or do I just try find a different job and stay with someone in a new town? It's not as if I have anything keeping me where I am now.. My friends have totally just abandoned me, I don't see anyone anymore! The only social life I have now is with work people and that's just in work :(

I really wish I didn't have such a demanding health problem, I could of ran away ages ago and stayed with anyone. Found a new job, start over. But I can't. I'm stuck in some loop, I hate it :( what can I do though?

Sunday, 4 March 2012

one day at a time

I'm 22 and have gone through more than I ever thought I would have to go through at this age. Since the age of 10 my life has never been the same. When I got diagnosed with kidney disease, I barely had the energy to move from one room to the other. It took, 3 months and a hell of a lot of tablets to get me feeling better again. I don't really remember much from the early days of becoming ill, I just remember being very very poorly. When I came out of hospital, I believe I was on some steroid base tablets which got rid of the inflammation in my kidneys but also causing a lot of scaring on the kidneys. The doctors always said that I would need a transplant, but could say when I would need one. 10 years I lasted on tablets, 10 years it took for my kidneys to slowly die on me. each year I would push everything to the back of my mind, thinking I was fine, that I would never need a transplant because I could survive on tablets. The tablets were helping me.

So when the doctors told me I had to start dialysis in 2010, I was so gutted. So upset! I didn't want to be stuck on dialysis. I didn't want to have a tube in me, Sticking out of my tummy. I felt so alone, Like I was going through it all by myself. I was! I didn't have my mum there because she was working. I had to stay at my aunties all week because she lives close to the hospital. I started my training.. How to do this, how to do that, what to do if this  happens, what bags to use. So much information, so much to take in. Yet, for some reason I just carried on as if this were normal. I had no choice. I had to do dialysis 4 times a day, every day. How can I work? how can I go out and see my friends? I have no time to do anything.. I developed depression, no one bothers to ask how I am, they just leave me too it. No one is there for me, because no one understands what I have to go through! 5 months past and I still was unable to work. My bills were piling up, making me in debt, I couldn't pay it off because I wasn't working.

I went into hospital Christmas 2010 with really bad flu symptoms, It was when the swine flu was around and I thought it was that, It felt like that. I felt so rough, I was in a really bad way then. It's not normally how I feel when I have the flu. I cut down to three bags, which freed up a little time. I started work January 2011 but only could do 8.5 hours a week. Due to the fact I'd be there for 4 hours and it would be time to come home again to do dialysis! Then I'd get too tired because I wasn't used to working. (baring in mind I have just had a year of work, November 2009 I was in a car crash, then when I healed from that, I had my appendix taken out in Feb 2010, I went to work for a month in April then I came out ill and started dialysis) I tried to apply for Employment and Support Allowance but I got declined. It got to the point now where I was only earning £90-105 per month. After paying bills and trying to clear of debts I would have £20 to last me a month. I was never able to buy the monthly essentials. I got even more depressed by this and by the time I found out I was unable to claim ESA it was November! They kept me waiting for so long just to say I wasn't Allowed it. So I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands and I stated doing dialysis over night. I would do an exchange before bed, wake up during the night and then do another exchange when I wake up around 11/12. That now leaves me the whole day free. I boosted my hours up to 15 hours a week and I've put my health at risk too many times. I'm not sleeping, I developed Insomnia, I was too tired to go into work. I've been really ill because I'm over doing it. I have just had enough!

Since being on dialysis my life has just been on stand still. I'm just on my own, left behind and stuck on a never ending road. All my friends are moving on in life, coming back from uni, getting jobs, having kids all sorts. My cousin is going to Australia soon and I'd give anything to be going with her! I want to have my education, go travelling, just have a life that every normal 22 year old is having. Instead, I'm stuck in a part time supermarket job, barely getting by with financial problems and not even an education. I'm so sick and tied of not doing what I want to do in life! I cant even drive because I cant afford it! I just wanna be able to have a decent job and get on with living my life!

So many people expect so much of me. Work, Family, Friends.. I've just had enough! I want to break down and just hide away. Everyone sees me as a strong person, but they don't have a clue! They don't know what I have to go through every day! They don't see the pain I feel every time I can't do something. They don't see me break into tears because I've just had enough! Not only do I have my health as a number 1 stress in my life. I have my family! They belong on the Jeremy Kyle show.. honestly!!

My dad is an alcoholic waste of space. My mother just doesn't care, and causes arguments. My brother and sister are just happily throwing away their lifes. I just wanna get out of here! I envy EVERYONE who has been able to move out of home - whether its going to uni or moved away for a new job or anything. I wish I could move away and just leave everyone behind! I think to myself sometimes.. Am I being tested? To see how much I can take? because, surely I've passed? I've had to put up with so much shit my whole life.. surely now I can just have a break? No! everytime I get back up on my feet, I just get knocked back to the floor. I'm sick an tied of trying to get back up. I'm just happy to stay down.

I started writing this blog to help get things of my mind. Another reason is to hopefully help those who are going through similar situations as me. I know exactly how they would feel, how scared they will be. Everything! I know right now, I can barely make it through the day without getting upset or stressed out. I'm hoping though when I finally get my transplant, that all this pain, all this torture will be worth it because when that day happens. I'm living each day as if it's going to be my last.
In a way, Its made me look at life in so many different ways! life can suck big time. It can always be worse yeah, It doesn't mean that your problems don't exist though. Some people get life dealt easy to them and they take it for granted. I've come to appreciate to small things in life and understanding so much about life. I've had to go through a hell of a lot in life, and its only the beginning...

I cba to read through this for spelling mistakes, so sorry if there are any. thanks for reading <3