Monday, 20 February 2012

Lost..

I've been thinking a lot about what my doctor said, I can't stop thinking about it to be honest. I really want to be able to get a good nights sleep, I want to be able to turn out my light without having to feel scared. It's my own bedroom and I'm just scared, of what? My own thoughts!

I really hate talking, I just know I'll burst into tears as soon as I admit I need help. I don't want to cry. I don't want to sit in a room awkwardly with someone and discuss my problems, mainly because I'm scared of it. Scared of facing reality. I know I have to though, I can't go on like this. I just don't really know what to do.

I can't afford to take time off work, but I'm going to have to, I can't cope with work stress on top of everything else. I'm so lost, so stuck I just don't know which way to turn.

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Is it a sign?

So I went to the doctors Thursday and had a little bit of a hard time coming to terms with what was said..

Basically since last year I've had been having rather unusual dreams.. four times now i've woken up screaming because i've felt someone in the room with me. I've woken up on a few ocations with seeing someone in the room with me, but I haven't screamed, It's just scared me a little. I've had so many odd dreams of ghosts and my illness that its just really been bugging me. I mentioned to my doctor as I was a little worried about theses little 'night terrors' I was a little bit uncomfortable with the response. 

He mentioned that night terrors are basically caused when a person is stressed. When a person is sleeping the brain is still going and running through the stress that the person may be trying to cope with. Obviously, being on dialysis and waiting for a kidney transplant its a very difficult time. I find having someone else's kidney inside me to be a little weird. Like, that's someone else's organ :| its a little but much for me to get my head around. My doctor mentioned that I'm trying to put a face to the person that's in my room, who ever is coming into my room It's just my way of trying to picture a donor. As, I've been dreaming of ghosts and dead people it's kinda just connected to the fact that my donor is more than likely going to be a dead donor. My doctor reckons I should talk more about my health with someone who may be going through the same situation as me. He reckons it would help the night terrors. The weird thing is.. Its always a male that I dream of being in my room.. Why would I not dream of both male and female if I'm trying to picture my donor? maybe it's someone else in my room that I'm trying to block out..

I reckon he is right, I do really need to talk to someone. I just can't, I hate talking, I hate talking about my problems and talking about what's on my mind. I've always been the kind of person to just put it to the back of my mind and just carry on trying to survive the day. I don't want to think about it, talk about it. I just don't want to come to terms with it. Before I was put on dialysis, My health was fine. Doctors always have said I'd end up on dialysis but because I felt fine and healthy I just ignored it all and thought I knew best.. When the time came, I just had a hard time coping with it all. I just went with the flow and then tried to act like it wasn't happening. I just got on with it.. That's how I've always just delt with things. Just put it to the back of my mind and try not to let it affect me. It all gets too much though at times. I don't want to talk abut it all, I don't want to cry and I don't want to sit in a room awkwardly talking to some stranger that doesn't know me. I know I should because it's going to help, but it's not going to get me a kidney. What's the point? All I know is that I need to do something because I'm too scared to sleep. Thursday night I woke up screaming. I was so scared to go to sleep last night that I left my lamp on.. stupid or what?

Monday, 6 February 2012

A Helping Hand

Hey guys take a look at my page? - http://goo.gl/2UOEo - please pass it on?

Its just something I thought about doing.. Just to do something and help others going through the same stuff as me. Check it out :)

x