Saturday, 14 January 2012
So annoyed with so many different things! My life being on standby is one. I'm slightly jealous of everyone that I know moving on with their life's.. Having a fancy job that pays well.. Having a car and can drive.. Own place to live.. Or even going to uni! Whilst everyone is surviving I'm just stuck in a part time job waiting for a kidney to come up. I'm fed up with waiting and being pushed back down after weeks of trying to stand up again after the last fall. For once in my miserable life can't something good happen to me? I want to so badly have my old life back where I didn't have to worry about all this shit! If I'd known what I wanted to do in life I would of done college a lot sooner and not waste so much time. I wish I could just afford the things in life, just simple shampoo I can't afford.. How embarrassing?
My family aren't exactly much help. My mum has debts from everywhere.. She can't afford to send my sister into school so I've had to take it out of my Christmas money to get her to school. Not that I can afford it, I have to pay out for hospital tomorrow and that's it I'm skint. I can't wait to next get paid because you know what? I'm so desperate for money and so desperate to get somewhere in life I've decided to do escorting (nothing sexual otherwise that's a prossy) it's easy money that I could do with. Pass my test! Get a car and then I can be free to do all the work I can do because then I can take dialysis to work and I can start having my nights back! I need them back! I can't afford to right now though. I hate living in this house, I mean sure I have a roof over my head but it's full of animals and it's too small. Its so unhygienic for me. I'm looking to move out and get myself on the council list. I'm half and half though, I need a place of my own but if I do that I can't afford anything else, If i stay here then it's more stress and it's not good for my health. Eugh! Just don't know what to do, it's why I've turned to escorting because of the money! I feel like a bad person but desperate times and all that...
Don't even get me started on my low life waste of a dad I have!
Another thing about my health that noone seems to understand is that I get I'll very easily, where a simple cold for you lot would pretty much mean im dying for me. Sound over the top but it's true, I also get tired very easily. High blood pressure is another, it's important I don't push myself and not get too stressed because if my blood pressure gets too high I'm at risk of a stroke! How fucking scary is that? :/
I swear someone is testing to see how much shit I'll go through.. How much I can take before I have a melt down and end up in a mental home! I feel like I'm being punished! Sometimes I feel like I deserve it but other times I just wish I could have a break and run away and leave everything behind me, including my health!
A lot of people have said that I'm strong for going through what I have to go through. A lot of people ask how I cope? Well tbh I have no choice, I fake my smiles and bottle everything up because I just simply feel selfish for complaining about a health that can soon be helped. I mean it could be worse. Sometimes yeah I do want someone to just ask 'how are you Claire? How you coping? How's thing?' but it never happens, it's why I always have a lot of status' on Facebook. Kinda my way of getting it off my chest.. Yeah it could be worse but doesn't stop me from feeling down about it all, doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm alone. Sure I have friends and people who say 'I'm here if you need a chat' they're just being polite, right? I don't like approaching people and saying ' I need someone to talk to' I'm no good with talking about me and my problems. It's okay now because I'm writing it all out and I hardly doubt anyone even bothers to read my blogs but hey ho. It's helping me get everything off my chest so I don't care.
As everyone is rushing around getting the final bits for christmas done I have to go and get ill :(. I was quite ill 3/4 weeks ago, and I was in hospital for the weekend as I was draining out blood with my dialysis. I tried to go back to work the following week and was sick at work :( that was 4 days ago. I went to doctors and they've put me on antibiotics, but i've been getting a lot of back pain, around the kidney area.. I feel okay today, but still quite breathless and a few pains in my back.
I just cant be bothered with all of this anymore, I have had to go through so much in the last few years its just getting worse and worse. I want out so bad! Why cant someone, anyone come forward as a donor? I want my life back, I want to start making something out of my life, instead I'm stuck.
Argh! I'm so stressed out lately. I just found out that I'm not entitled for employment & support allowance.. Not even sure why! I'm clearly unable to work full time. What do they need me to do? Be on my deathbed before being able to get help? Takes the piss it really does..
All those people out there that can actually work and are claiming I don't know.. Working tax or disability allowance when they just have ashma its annoying. I actually have a serious health condition which affects my work. Takes the piss really does. The thing that really annoys me is that I made this claim in may and they took so long to get my claim sorted that I had no choice but to start doing dialysis over night and start working more hours. I am not sleeping well and made myself really ill because I just really struggled to cope on £100 a month. They say that if i work less than 16 hours a week i'm still entitled to make a claim, which I am! My doctors have got so worried because my blood pressure is high. I'm not sleeping well and I'm hardly eating. I'm in proper trouble with my health right now and because I've been pushing myself and pushing, I've become really ill. Just because I cant live off my income. So stupid! :(
My boyfriend and I broke up around 2 weeks ago. I feel as though it's not really working out anymore. We have nothing in common and I have so much going on in my life right now I just cant cope with our arguments and little issues that are affecting the relationship right now. I do love him to bits and he does really mean the world to me. I love how he makes me feel.. but I just don't have the same feelings as I once did for him. We've become so distant because of the arguing. I have too much going on to be worrying and fighting for this to work between us. I just don't see a future with him anymore. There's so many things that are in the way and so many things that need to change.
I really can't see my own future to be honest, I don't ever want to get married. Too be honest I don't really want kids. I'm stuck on dialysis. Whilst i'm on that I don't think trying to raise a kid is a good idea. God knows how long I have to wait for a kidney. Then when I do get a kidney, god knows if i'll be ready then to have kids, or even be with someone. I just think that i'll always struggle with my life. I'm struggling so much now.. I haven't gone to uni, not going to go. I cant get a better job and I cant afford to do a home study course.. I'm just permanently stuck in a shitty part time job going nowhere in life. That's not any life for a child to grow up into, having a Mother that can't work, can't drive, no education, cant get a decent job to give them what they want. I don't want to end up struggling so much like my mum. I refuse to ever be in that situation and allow my kids to grow up into a world like mine. I just am so fed up not being able to do what I want in life.
Just don't know what to do anymore. Don't know who to turn to for help. I really need the extra support in life.
Emptiness forces its way in, I can’t control it.
My heart starts knotting and my chest starts tightening.
Tears start running down my cheeks, it’s getting hard to breathe
I want to give up, stop breathing and make everything go away, but it wont
I’m all alone, no one to turn to. Why does it have to be me? Is it a test?
I’m no longer strong enough to carry on, it’s why I’m breaking down into tears..
I’m calling out for help, sending signals..
No one will come. No one will save me
So its been a while since I've posted, good news is that I've been working more. Dialysis over night seems to be going well. Not enjoying the 5.30 wake up calls though. I get so tired, sometimes I sleep through which is not good! But yeah, working loads so been busy. Its good because I get out the house keep my mind of everything. Bad because I always have to return to this dump!
Things at home are getting worse, I'm considering calling social services. It could mean my brother and sister being taken into care though which is not what they need. Mum is still complaining about being a mum even though she doesn't do anything. My brother is failing school and my sister.. Well she's actually the only other normal one in this house. My mum is always on the computer, playing her facebook games that she doesn't notice what's actually happening. She thinks things will just fall into place and everything will be done for her. She expects life to be easy and as soon as something doesn't go her way she'll throw a big tantrum and go in a huge mood and blame everyone else.
I really just want to get away, get out of this house. Makes me so depressed and stressed out all the time. No one understands how bad it is here.
Things with my health are shit. I'm so fed up waiting around for someone to die and be a donor. I'm not strong enough to pretend things are okay when they're not. I just want someone, one person to come forward and donate. I know its a big thing, big commitment but I just can't go on like this anymore. So fed up with having this tube in me. I probably will always have it. I can't really see them taking it out for a few years and then put it back in after I need another kidney. That's another thing.. I'm waiting all this time for one kidney. Then when that dies out on me I'm gonna have to wait again for another kidney. I don't want to spend my life on dialysis having to wait around again and again for a kidney. Its just too much to deal with.
I'm so fed up, I can't pretend anymore. No one knows what I have to go through and I'm so fed up with everyone ignoring it. I miss my old life, I miss being able to go out with friends. I've missed out on so much and I'm being held back from so much. I want to go to uni! I want to experience student life, being away from home. I want all of that. Just don't know how to get there because I don't have the grades.
So I haven't blogged recently. I haven't had much to say.. Haven't done much. I started work again which is going well. Haven't had many hours yet but will be soon. I've handed in my CV to other places as I really need another part time job. Really want to get my debt cleared and pay back my bf what he's lent me. Once that's done - I can finally buy some new clothes because I am in DESPERATE need of clothes. Then I really want to do a home study course. As i'm not getting my employment and support money yet I cant apply for financial support so looks like I've got to wait until next year when it starts again :( In the mean time i'm looking into driving! desperately need a car. So I have a lot of things that I want to achieve but i just need the money to do so.
I'm getting a little bit fed up with being held back with everything. I just want to live my live and do something with my life. Everyone else in my year are either back from uni and doing really well for themselves or they are in a good job and getting on with life. I'm so fed up that I have to always consider dialysis, I'm stuck hooked up on bags half the day and it really sucks! No one actually understands how much this actually affects my life. No one bothers to ask me how it's all going, how I am and if I need extra support. Just left me to do it by myself.
My mother is doing my head in! nothing changed there! She's always arguing with her partner and always letting my brother and sister get away with anything! She caught my brother smoking and he gets grounded.. He hardly goes out because he'd rather be stuck on his xbox 24/7, so he gets grounded which isn't really a punishment because he still has his xbox. Next day, he's allowed back out! WTF!? If that were me at that age I would of been grounded for life and punished! She doesn't exactly do much about it. She hasn't sat them down and said 'This is what smoking does to you.. These are the risks..ect' Just lets them get on with it and learn the hard way. She wont stand up and be a mother! She complains about cooking, which isn't that meant to be her job? to feed her family? She doesn't do anything other then sit at the computer and play her facebook games. Oh and takes 3 hours out by working at the local school. I'm not that close with my mum anymore. Not since I've started dialysis. I think she could be pregnant too which would SUCK! She can barely afford to keep up with the bills, barely afford to put food in the cupboards. She's getting eviction letters every other month. Argues with her partner, doesn't trust him. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU HAVE A KID?!?! I hate her! - What she doesn't know is that if she is pregnant, she looses her daughter! I've had enough! I don't want extra stress in the house, I don't need a screaming kid around. no food nothing! - That is probably sounding selfish to most of you, but trust me, with the amount of stress already in the house, doesn't need to be any more. I'm moving out, going to go live with my dad for a bit until cab help me out with a house.
Work have agreed to keep me on, so i still have a job. YAY!! :D
Dialysis over night is going really well, I'm getting into a better routine and starting to eat more!
Im starting to get more healthy and Im starting to feel the difference in my skin and weight.
I Just need to send off for financial support for OU and hopefully I'll be doing my psychology soon (:
So why am I feeling so bummed out? Family! They suck! I don't think I'll ever achieve having my family make me happy again..
so I have started doing dialysis over night now. It's been 5 days. It's going okay I guess. I am sooo tired though :( I am getting up for 4/5 every morning to do an exchange and then again at 10/11. I'm trying to stay awake after 11 so I can try and get into a routine. I find it really hard getting back to sleep after my exchange at 5'o clock though. Although, I am eating a bit more now and feeling good. I'm hoping my boss will let me take back my notice and I can start putting more hours in. I am also starting to do some wii fit to get into a routine of exercise then hopefully by the time I next get paid I get can get a swim suit and get into swimming again :)
It will be so good to finally have money. First thing is first though, I have to pay back my boyfriend and mate what I owe and my mother -.-. Then I can finally get some new clothes! getting a bit tired of wearing the same old stuff. Then I must get my bf a birthday pressie as I never got him much :(
So I haven't been doing well lately. I still cant find a house so looks like uni a big fat no no. My boyfriend suggested I do an open university course, which I did look at and applied too. Just waiting to hear back from them as i'm not sure if I am allowed to get financial support ''/. I handed in my notice at work and feel like a tit if I ask to withdraw it. I don't even know what's happening now. If I do this open uni thing im stuck at home. I want to go to uni and experience it all. I doubt I can whilst i'm stuck on dialysis :(
I feel like I haven't really been able to get a good chance in life. I did bad at school because I was never there due to health, I had to take a year out after college because of starting dialysis. Lets be honest, I never had a chance, my mum fell pregnant with me when she was 16 had me at 17 and raised me by herself. 3 years later she decides to get married and have two more kids then 5 years later gets a divorce.. So now she is stuck in a part time job claiming benefits in a shitty council house. Yeh sure I have a roof over my head, but the amount of times we have had the council threaten to take away our house is unreal! I don't wanna end up like that! three kids, two dads that have both walked out, part time job, benefits.. it's no life for anyone really! This is why it means so much to me to do well in life but have my f***ing health holding me back. So frustrating!
Really annoys me when people have the chance to make something of themselves but instead they throw it away. What idiots! But I guess if they want to throw away their lives it's down to them!
So I had a really weird dream last night.. and when I say weird it was pretty messed up..
I was on some boat.. I think.. Well I was somewhere anyways, there was wooden floor boards everywhere. The really dark brown coloured ones you'd get in a old house I guess.. anyways I have no idea why I was here but there were ghosts everywhere. I guess you could say they were what a ghost would be expected to look like.. white see through body - a bit like casper. I was walking around this place as if they didn't bother me and there was dust everywhere! :S I found it hard to breathe. The ghosts were telling me about someone being berried and how they were still alive or something :s when I went to check it out the grim reaper was just standing there in his black coat and lil weapon he carries around. He looked up at me and instantly I was scared, I had chills run down my back. I turned around and went to walk away but the scenery changed and he was now in front of me. All the ghosts had jut suddenly vanished.. He started walking towards me and got closer and closer, at the very last minute he turned and said 'you're dead' then another voice said 'I was already dead' ... I must of woken up because I don't remember anything else :s fucking weird or what?
My boyfriend brought me a book called the dreamers dictionary. It's got the meanings of all sorts (what its meant to mean in dreams) so i looked up dust, death and grim reaper and this is what was said :
Death - If you spoke with someone who is dead, you will soon hear very good news. To be aware of a dead person you cannot identify portends an inheritance which may not be personal but could be beneficial.
Dust - signifies an approaching periods of annoyances, petty quarrels, and minor embarrassments
Grim reaper - To see the grim reaper signifies the negative, rejected aspects of your personality. It aspects of yourself that you have repressed. Alternatively, it symbolises death. The dream may be parallel an end to some situation, habit, relationship in your waking life.
I have literally had enough!
I just don't know how much more i can deal with. I have exactly one week to find money so i can buy my bf a birthday pressie, treat him to a nice day and on top of that find money to go to london so i can view some houses for uni. I've tried claiming but they are taking ages! tried tracing it up but i got to go for a medical assessment and got to get a medical certificate from the doctors -.- So that's like another week until i can get my money. By the time i get it i'll be canceling it to go to uni as i wont be working anymore. Eugh!
My whole family are driving me insane! My mum thinks its okay to let my brother sit on his arse all day playing COD - in all fairness though its what she does.. goes to work, comes home sits at the computer plays her games, checks free-cycle and then doesn't come off it until around 8ish. She says that we are old enough to cook our own meals and how she hates being the one to always cook! Isnt that what a mother is meant to do? My brother is 16 and my sister is 14 yeah sure they're old enough to do beans on toast and stuff like that, cant really imagine them doing a full cooked dinner can you? She gets moody for no reason and tbh i cannot wait to get away from her. We did used to be really close, but until she chose to have another kid over saving the one from kidney failure - it has really gone downhil.
I am having alot of money difficulties, I can't work because i get so tired so easily and i cant work for longer then 5 hours 'cause then i have to be home doing dialysis. I honestly have just had enough! i hate this life! cant do anything without dialysis getting in the way! cant go flat hunting a day cause of that GRR!
Just really could use a wish right now..
So I went to view a few flats today for uni and I can honesty say, i've never had a worser day!
Dialysis is really getting me down lately I feel so trapped and it just seems like it will never end. After viewing my flat loads of thoughts kept going through my head - What if I run out of things? Would I be near a hospital that supplies my stuff? How would I manage it back? - It's so hard finding a room, I have so many worries like; needing a ground room so its easy access for delivery to get in, reasonable size room so I can fit it all in. Drop off point for delivery, need to be nearish a hospital and also a good distance from my college. It's such a pain and i've just simply had enough!
The past two weeks have just been hell! I had a minor operation to get rid of the extra tissue growing on my tube on 24th June, I was hoping to return to work the following tuesday but because I was still in a lot of pain I had to take the week off, which wasn't good. I returned this week though and got to have the stitches taken out on thursday.
You're probably wondering what's wrong with me with complaining about having time off work? Well as most of you would love to have time off. I'd love to be working more! I can only do 8 hours a week otherwise I get to tired, due to my illness running me down all the time, plus I can only do 4 hours a day then I have to get back home to do dialysis. such a pain! It sucks not being able to work and it sucks not having money. I earn just over 100 a month! Not much to live on really when you think about it. I'm pretty much living trampish ways and I hate it.
I've been using my time flat hunting, no luck so far! need to find somewhere soon or i wont be going to uni :(
So I'm gonna have to import all my blogs from my other site -.- so if anyone actually reads this then that's why it's all published the same date..