Tuesday, 13 November 2012

Here we go again..

The past few weeks have been hell! 
Had a total breakdown at work :/ I just burst into tears! took a good while to stop crying! felt so stupid and so weak! I haven't been sleeping much lately! I don't even know why? I'ts 5am and i'm still wide awake! I'll fall asleep soon and then either wake up at 12 or sleep through until the afternoon. It's really bad! I've been late for work quite a few times because of this. I'm struggling to eat and struggling to keep a clear mind. I'm just soo tired yet I just can't get too sleep!

Sure I have a lot on my mind but nothing to keep me from loosing sleep.I don't think :s 

I am beginning to struggle again, I can feel it. Feel myself becoming depressed again. I really don't want to go back on my anti depressants, but I fear I may have to. Especially if i'm not progressing after two weeks. I just don't want to have to reply on them. I guess given my current situation I suppose I do need something :(
Maybe I should start taking them again and see how much of a pick me up they give me. I might go see the doctor and see if there is anything I can take. Sleeping pills seem to make me sleep walk so thats a deffo no. I just need to sleep. I feel so tired. 

So what's been going on? Hmm.. Still not started Hemo yet. but I do believe it may be very soon. I have 2 people currently being tested on being a donor. So fingers crossed! Things at home are starting to get bad again which really isn't helping the stress levels :/ I'm trying to juggle 2 jobs and still do dialysis in between. I've been thinking about what it will be like when i change to hemo. Its gonna take 3 hours out of 3 of my days. I need to split the rest of the days with co-op and the pub. Somehow I think I'm gonna have to give up one of the jobs. I guess we'll cross that bridge when the time comes. It's deffo on my mind though.

My little sister (from my dads side) is dues to have her baby in a few weeks! very very exciting! I can't wait to meet my new niece/nephew :) I really hope its a girl because I already have a nephew. It'll be awesome to have one of each :). I need to get this family situation sorted! My dad wants to see me and start building bridges, I don't really wanna meet him half way. He's had 22 years of chances and he wants to start now. After everything that hes done? I Just don;t want anything to do with him! but its my sister making me think twice! now that shes gonna be having a baby, I may have to see him more. To be honest I don't mind being civil but as far as a daughter/dad relationship goes? yeah that was pretty much over the day he walked out on my life. He's so full of it! Always talks about my mum and how he still loves her. blah! He has no right to say any of that! has no right to even mention her. He still refuses that he is my older brothers dad. He still says that he was born before him and his mum got together! I just don't know what to do. When I found out he was my brother I was over the moon! always wanted an older brother. Him and his two brothers have always treated me like a little sister. I love them to bits. I would be totally gutted to find out that he wasn't my brother.

Been thinking a lot about what I wanna do with my life. I have a list of all the things I wanna do. So far 21. I'd like to get to 30 and do it all before I get to 30 I'll post up the list soon :D people can help me with ideas then. 

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