Thursday, 15 November 2012

Welcome to my life..

I was having a very intense conversation with someone about what I go through.

This person said to me that I was brave and strong. That if they were in my shoes they would just break down. I then said to her that I had no choice but to cope. To struggle through each and every day.. No one actually knows how much I have to go through. they just let me get on with it.

So here's what my day to day routine is like.. I get up, I go downstairs and instantly have to do dialysis. sometimes I wake up a bit first sometimes I'm in a rush because I've over slept due to not being able to sleep the night before. I wait around half an hour until dialysis is done. then get ready for work. I sometimes have to walk to work which means I have to leave an hour before my shift starts just so I can get there on time. It takes the average person at least half an hour to walk to my work maybe less. But if I'm having a bad day I get breathless just by walking down my stairs. So as you can imagine walking to work is a lot of effort for me sometimes. I often stop for a rest or I get so breathless I have to take my inhalers. anyways, I do my 4/5 hour shift because that's all I can do before I have to go home again and do dialysis. I get picked up from work pretty much all the time. I get home and do dialysis straight away. I either have to then rush out to my 2nd job or I can relax at home. Currently it's been rushing out to my 2nd job. 4 hours there and I'm back home to do my last exchange for the day. I then try my very hardest to sleep. Sometimes I'm too bloated from the dialysis that I can't sleep. Often I get a lot of pains in my kidneys. nausea, or just purely can't sleep because I'm over thinking about my health. I suffer from insomnia a lot of the time. It's pretty rare that I can get to sleep straight away anymore.. Then the next day I'm too tired to do anything. Yet I still sometimes manage to get up and do all of what I did the day before again. I will do the same thing tomorrow and the next day. it's a lot to fit into one day. But I still do it because if I don't work I'll only break down because I'm just thinking about everything else. It's the only distraction, the only thing keeping me sane. Yet I'm pushing myself way to much to do more than what I can handle. No one notices, and no one really seems to care. Everyone thinks that I hate talking about my illness. I don't at all! It's because I'm not used to talking about it! No one bothers to ask me how I actually am. How things are going. Or if there is something they can do. They just see me smiling and assume everything is okay. Well it's not! I may have a smile on my face and I may act like everything is okay. It actually isn't!

That isn't even half of it.. I take about 6 different medication a day. Plus I have to have an injection every 2 weeks, plus blood test every time I go to the hospital. If I get ill I always have to tell the dr and the hospital incase the same thing happens again. the slightest cold/cough that the average person can get over is like the average person getting swine flu for me. I don't have energy, I sleep all day. I don't eat, drink anything. 9 times out of 10 I have I go into hospital because I've just simply had the flu. every time I have a cough I have to be careful that its not fluid built up in my lungs. Every stupid tummy ache I get could be because of dialysis or something else. So no matter what, I have to go and see my doctor.

I struggle every single day to keep a smile on my face. Sure I've broke down a few times but that's only because I needed the help. I've needed a step back. I don't ever do it though. I never ask for the help and I'm still taking on more than I can cope with. Every single day I just want to give up and just let nature take its cause. In all honesty there is nothing stopping me from doing that except for the fact that death scares me! It scares me so much that I'm willing to go through all this day to day torture just so I don't die. not many people actually realise that I would of been dead 2 years ago if it wasn't for dialysis. Screw that! I would of died 12 years ago if it wasn't for my mum taking me to a different doctors surgery. Just a few more weeks and I would of died. that's how close it came and not many people know that.. I sometimes think that it woulda been easier to just let it happen. Sometimes I wanna give up still soo badly. but even though I hate what I have to go through. I've learnt so fucking much!
Not to moan about stupid little things, treasure every memory, who my true friends are. People that have stuck by me. How much a job means, social life. Even though we may not get along half the time and even though I hate the way she does things. My mum has been the one person to stick by me from the very beginning. Staying at the hospital with me, always getting me to the hospital for check ups in London. I guess things changed a lot when I started dialysis. But the first 6 years of being ill my mum was just always there. I miss that. I miss how close we used to be, I miss her being there for me, I do.

I still have a lot more to come. I have very high blood pressure, which means I'm more prone to have a stroke or a heart attack. I'm at risk of suffering from diabetes. Later on in life when I need my 2nd transplant, I may not be able to go to the toilet anymore which means having a catheter inserted. I have a lot that I have to be prepared for. Yet here I am still fighting through and saying 'bring it on'

A lot of people have said 'it could be worse' yeah sure it could be. But it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to suffer. Sure I feel selfish for even saying I'm struggling. You know what though? I actually don't care. I am struggling, what I have to go through and what I still got to go through with is beyond anything anyone could cope with. People moan everyday that they hate their jobs, that they don't want to go to work. People take life for granted and don't need a job because mummy and daddy pay for everything. Some people have been lucky and been able to go to uni. study something they're interested in. Go on holiday. Have kids. Get engaged or have their own place.. So next time you moan about all that, remember, someone out there is actually struggling to get by each and every day because health/life is actually not that great for them. Not everyone is dealt a good life. just think of that next time you waste a day just slumbered on the sofa.

Life is tough sure, but there is always a way out, you just have to find the exit.

Tuesday, 13 November 2012

30 things to do before I turn 30 plus more :p

In no particular order..

1. Go diving
2. Ride a horse
3. Ride a motorbike
4. Sky dive / bungee jump
5. Swim with dolphins
6. Go on safari
7. Go to a festival - DONE
8. Jet ski
9. Learn to surf
10. Go to Disney World
11. Go on holiday - IN PROCESS
12. Go traveling
13. Learn another language
14. Get a tattoo - DONE
15. Learn how to make a cocktail
16. Study Psychology
17. Raise money for a charity - DONE
18. Meet a celebrity
19. Learn to dance
20. Conquer a fear (hold a spider)
21. Pass my driving test
22. Stroke a tiger
23. Learn how to shade (drawing)
24. eat something new (i'm a fussy eater)
25. break a habbit
26. Learn to play an instrument
27. Get a degree
28. Learn fire-spinning
29. Write a book
30. See the Northern lights
31. Camp under the stars

Here we go again..

The past few weeks have been hell! 
Had a total breakdown at work :/ I just burst into tears! took a good while to stop crying! felt so stupid and so weak! I haven't been sleeping much lately! I don't even know why? I'ts 5am and i'm still wide awake! I'll fall asleep soon and then either wake up at 12 or sleep through until the afternoon. It's really bad! I've been late for work quite a few times because of this. I'm struggling to eat and struggling to keep a clear mind. I'm just soo tired yet I just can't get too sleep!

Sure I have a lot on my mind but nothing to keep me from loosing sleep.I don't think :s 

I am beginning to struggle again, I can feel it. Feel myself becoming depressed again. I really don't want to go back on my anti depressants, but I fear I may have to. Especially if i'm not progressing after two weeks. I just don't want to have to reply on them. I guess given my current situation I suppose I do need something :(
Maybe I should start taking them again and see how much of a pick me up they give me. I might go see the doctor and see if there is anything I can take. Sleeping pills seem to make me sleep walk so thats a deffo no. I just need to sleep. I feel so tired. 

So what's been going on? Hmm.. Still not started Hemo yet. but I do believe it may be very soon. I have 2 people currently being tested on being a donor. So fingers crossed! Things at home are starting to get bad again which really isn't helping the stress levels :/ I'm trying to juggle 2 jobs and still do dialysis in between. I've been thinking about what it will be like when i change to hemo. Its gonna take 3 hours out of 3 of my days. I need to split the rest of the days with co-op and the pub. Somehow I think I'm gonna have to give up one of the jobs. I guess we'll cross that bridge when the time comes. It's deffo on my mind though.

My little sister (from my dads side) is dues to have her baby in a few weeks! very very exciting! I can't wait to meet my new niece/nephew :) I really hope its a girl because I already have a nephew. It'll be awesome to have one of each :). I need to get this family situation sorted! My dad wants to see me and start building bridges, I don't really wanna meet him half way. He's had 22 years of chances and he wants to start now. After everything that hes done? I Just don;t want anything to do with him! but its my sister making me think twice! now that shes gonna be having a baby, I may have to see him more. To be honest I don't mind being civil but as far as a daughter/dad relationship goes? yeah that was pretty much over the day he walked out on my life. He's so full of it! Always talks about my mum and how he still loves her. blah! He has no right to say any of that! has no right to even mention her. He still refuses that he is my older brothers dad. He still says that he was born before him and his mum got together! I just don't know what to do. When I found out he was my brother I was over the moon! always wanted an older brother. Him and his two brothers have always treated me like a little sister. I love them to bits. I would be totally gutted to find out that he wasn't my brother.

Been thinking a lot about what I wanna do with my life. I have a list of all the things I wanna do. So far 21. I'd like to get to 30 and do it all before I get to 30 I'll post up the list soon :D people can help me with ideas then. 

Monday, 5 November 2012

The last journey

Not having such a good week tbh. I've also decided to stop having treatment. I know a few people are going to go ape at me and go on about how I should hang in there, blah blah blah!

In all honesty.. I don't care anymore. I've come this far. I can't continue. I've had enough! I'm sick and tired of being ill all the time. I'm sick of trying to stay strong. I just wanna break down all the time! I hate that I've lost so much because of this. I want to give up now. I can't go on.

So, new year I'm gonna stop my treatment. And spend the remaining time I have left fixing things. I've already said a few goodbyes to people because I know I won't see them again. Well kinda hard when they won't speak to you I guess..

But yeah, I hope everyone understands and respects my wishes.. Please don't try and change that.