Sunday, 2 September 2012

strong enough?

So I had hospital Friday to talk about changing to hemo dialysis. Everything went well, doctor reckons there isn't any reason to why it wouldn't work out. I'm now reconsidering though.

Been doing a lot of research and i don't know why it never occurred to me before hand. I'm gonna have a Canular (however its spelt) in my arm permanently. I mean with my tube hardly anyone knows apart from the people who know I'm on dialysis. Where as if I have hemo. Everyone will see this, and stare and ask questions. I don't think I want that :/ and as its going to be in my arm, that's going to limit a lot of things I can do. I won't be able to lift anything heavier than a bag of potatoes :/ I mean I can barely manage crates of beer. I won't be able to once I got this thing in my arm. Would I have to give up work? :( I really don't want to.

I hate dialysis soo much! I really do! But without it I wouldn't be alive so I have no choice. I either stick to the bags and continue not having a life or I have a needle hanging from my arm and put up with 21 questions from strangers and limit what I can do for work :/

I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! It totally fucking sucks. Sure it could be worse and I hate that it could be worse. But right now I can't do anything other than wait. I'm starting to feel so much worse than I used to. I don't think the anti depressants are helping much anymore. Sure I manage to get through the day without a single tear but as soon as I'm home bored doing nothing. It all comes flooding in. Just don't know what to do anymore. I need something new in my life I think. I need new distractions.

What I really need though is a donor :( I don't know how to ask people if they would wanna donate without sounding like I'm forcing? Without them feeling like they should say yes.. I mean I don't expect anyone to go through with it but you never know until you ask I guess :/
I just don't know what the right thing is to do :/

I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm certainly not strong enough. Everyone says that to me ' you're so strong' yeah that's why I hate every single day I wake up. But I have no choice. I have to carry on.

With everything else going on in my life I'm really surprised I hasn't had one massive break down!

Money, family, Chris+I breaking up, arguments with friends and my dad!


My dad is trying to be apart of my life again and god knows what I wanna do he's had 22 years to be a dad, so why all of a sudden does he wanna now? He hasn't changed one bit and I don't know why I keep trying to tell myself he will. Lol! He won't change! But he is still my dad :/ grrr!!

I think I need a holiday :( would it be wrong to raise money for myself? If I told people then why not? I'm not exactly saying I'm raising for charity then keeping it. I practically am charity lol ah well. Maybe I can ask the kidney foundation group. I deffo need to get away for a bit. Hmm where to go? Maybe I should look into getting a passport and go stay with family in America or something. I don't know if I'd wanna go by myself though. Or maybe that's just what I need. Just time away from everyone and everything. Eugh I make it sound like my life is terrible :|
Ah well! It kinda is atm.

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