Saturday, 14 January 2012

Surviving

24th October 2011

So its been a while since I've posted, good news is that I've been working more. Dialysis over night seems to be going well. Not enjoying the 5.30 wake up calls though. I get so tired, sometimes I sleep through which is not good! But yeah, working loads so been busy. Its good because I get out the house keep my mind of everything. Bad because I always have to return to this dump!

Things at home are getting worse, I'm considering calling social services. It could mean my brother and sister being taken into care though which is not what they need. Mum is still complaining about being a mum even though she doesn't do anything. My brother is failing school and my sister.. Well she's actually the only other normal one in this house. My mum is always on the computer, playing her facebook games that she doesn't notice what's actually happening. She thinks things will just fall into place and everything will be done for her. She expects life to be easy and as soon as something doesn't go her way she'll throw a big tantrum and go in a huge mood and blame everyone else.
I really just want to get away, get out of this house. Makes me so depressed and stressed out all the time. No one understands how bad it is here.

Things with my health are shit. I'm so fed up waiting around for someone to die and be a donor. I'm not strong enough to pretend things are okay when they're not. I just want someone, one person to come forward and donate. I know its a big thing, big commitment but I just can't go on like this anymore. So fed up with having this tube in me. I probably will always have it. I can't really see them taking it out for a few years and then put it back in after I need another kidney. That's another thing.. I'm waiting all this time for one kidney. Then when that dies out on me I'm gonna have to wait again for another kidney. I don't want to spend my life on dialysis having to wait around again and again for a kidney. Its just too much to deal with.

I'm so fed up, I can't pretend anymore. No one knows what I have to go through and I'm so fed up with everyone ignoring it. I miss my old life, I miss being able to go out with friends. I've missed out on so much and I'm being held back from so much. I want to go to uni! I want to experience student life, being away from home. I want all of that. Just don't know how to get there because I don't have the grades.

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