Saturday, 14 January 2012

Struggling

November 20th 2011

Argh! I'm so stressed out lately. I just found out that I'm not entitled for employment & support allowance.. Not even sure why! I'm clearly unable to work full time. What do they need me to do? Be on my deathbed before being able to get help? Takes the piss it really does..

All those people out there that can actually work and are claiming I don't know.. Working tax or disability allowance when they just have ashma its annoying. I actually have a serious health condition which affects my work. Takes the piss really does. The thing that really annoys me is that I made this claim in may and they took so long to get my claim sorted that I had no choice but to start doing dialysis over night and start working more hours. I am not sleeping well and made myself really ill because I just really struggled to cope on £100 a month. They say that if i work less than 16 hours a week i'm still entitled to make a claim, which I am! My doctors have got so worried because my blood pressure is high. I'm not sleeping well and I'm hardly eating. I'm in proper trouble with my health right now and because I've been pushing myself and pushing, I've become really ill. Just because I cant live off my income. So stupid! :(

My boyfriend and I broke up around 2 weeks ago. I feel as though it's not really working out anymore. We have nothing in common and I have so much going on in my life right now I just cant cope with our arguments and little issues that are affecting the relationship right now. I do love him to bits and he does really mean the world to me. I love how he makes me feel.. but I just don't have the same feelings as I once did for him. We've become so distant because of the arguing. I have too much going on to be worrying and fighting for this to work between us. I just don't see a future with him anymore. There's so many things that are in the way and so many things that need to change.

I really can't see my own future to be honest, I don't ever want to get married. Too be honest I don't really want kids. I'm stuck on dialysis. Whilst i'm on that I don't think trying to raise a kid is a good idea. God knows how long I have to wait for a kidney. Then when I do get a kidney, god knows if i'll be ready then to have kids, or even be with someone. I just think that i'll always struggle with my life. I'm struggling so much now.. I haven't gone to uni, not going to go. I cant get a better job and I cant afford to do a home study course.. I'm just permanently stuck in a shitty part time job going nowhere in life. That's not any life for a child to grow up into, having a Mother that can't work, can't drive, no education, cant get a decent job to give them what they want. I don't want to end up struggling so much like my mum. I refuse to ever be in that situation and allow my kids to grow up into a world like mine. I just am so fed up not being able to do what I want in life.

Just don't know what to do anymore. Don't know who to turn to for help. I really need the extra support in life.

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