Saturday, 14 January 2012

Being able to cope

January 14th 2012

So annoyed with so many different things! My life being on standby is one. I'm slightly jealous of everyone that I know moving on with their life's.. Having a fancy job that pays well.. Having a car and can drive.. Own place to live.. Or even going to uni! Whilst everyone is surviving I'm just stuck in a part time job waiting for a kidney to come up. I'm fed up with waiting and being pushed back down after weeks of trying to stand up again after the last fall. For once in my miserable life can't something good happen to me? I want to so badly have my old life back where I didn't have to worry about all this shit! If I'd known what I wanted to do in life I would of done college a lot sooner and not waste so much time. I wish I could just afford the things in life, just simple shampoo I can't afford.. How embarrassing?

My family aren't exactly much help. My mum has debts from everywhere.. She can't afford to send my sister into school so I've had to take it out of my Christmas money to get her to school. Not that I can afford it, I have to pay out for hospital tomorrow and that's it I'm skint. I can't wait to next get paid because you know what? I'm so desperate for money and so desperate to get somewhere in life I've decided to do escorting (nothing sexual otherwise that's a prossy) it's easy money that I could do with. Pass my test! Get a car and then I can be free to do all the work I can do because then I can take dialysis to work and I can start having my nights back! I need them back! I can't afford to right now though. I hate living in this house, I mean sure I have a roof over my head but it's full of animals and it's too small. Its so unhygienic for me. I'm looking to move out and get myself on the council list. I'm half and half though, I need a place of my own but if I do that I can't afford anything else, If i stay here then it's more stress and it's not good for my health. Eugh! Just don't know what to do, it's why I've turned to escorting because of the money! I feel like a bad person but desperate times and all that...

Don't even get me started on my low life waste of a dad I have!

Another thing about my health that noone seems to understand is that I get I'll very easily, where a simple cold for you lot would pretty much mean im dying for me. Sound over the top but it's true, I also get tired very easily. High blood pressure is another, it's important I don't push myself and not get too stressed because if my blood pressure gets too high I'm at risk of a stroke! How fucking scary is that? :/

I swear someone is testing to see how much shit I'll go through.. How much I can take before I have a melt down and end up in a mental home! I feel like I'm being punished! Sometimes I feel like I deserve it but other times I just wish I could have a break and run away and leave everything behind me, including my health!
A lot of people have said that I'm strong for going through what I have to go through. A lot of people ask how I cope? Well tbh I have no choice, I fake my smiles and bottle everything up because I just simply feel selfish for complaining about a health that can soon be helped. I mean it could be worse. Sometimes yeah I do want someone to just ask 'how are you Claire? How you coping? How's thing?' but it never happens, it's why I always have a lot of status' on Facebook. Kinda my way of getting it off my chest.. Yeah it could be worse but doesn't stop me from feeling down about it all, doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm alone. Sure I have friends and people who say 'I'm here if you need a chat' they're just being polite, right? I don't like approaching people and saying ' I need someone to talk to' I'm no good with talking about me and my problems. It's okay now because I'm writing it all out and I hardly doubt anyone even bothers to read my blogs but hey ho. It's helping me get everything off my chest so I don't care.

No comments:

Post a Comment