Monday, 17 December 2012
So basically I had a lot of tummy pain after I had drained out. Also I hadn't been weeing as much anymore, when I did go I would get a tummy ache afterwards. so they've done every test going and found nothing!
I started my new dialysis treatment on Friday, everything went good actually :) they only managed the one needle though, but it still works :)
I was allowed out at the weekend, dialysis free!! It was soooo good not having to worry about it! I went to see my baby niece who is absolutely gorgeous!! Chantelle-Louise (: (I've added a photo)
Now I'm back in hospital :( they're wanting to do an MRI scan and see what that shows. Go from there I guess. Doesn't look like I'll be out for Xmas :( but they might let me out for he day.
So whilst I've been stuck in here, I've been doing a lot of research into my travelling.. I've decided to go to Wales next year.. Maybe the end of January. There is this travel group who help you with accommodation and work etc, whilst taking you on tour of the country. It looks absolutely amazing!! So I'm very interested in going. I can do hemo-dialysis on my travels and still be activated on the transplant list :D so yeah! I'm going to Wales! Just not too sure on dates as of yet.
After Wales, I'll return home but before I might aswell stop off at Bournemouth and Devon and all those other places down south before eventually coming back home. Then Scotland! Then Ireland! I just need to get one thing :/ my passport!! Haha
Thursday, 15 November 2012
This person said to me that I was brave and strong. That if they were in my shoes they would just break down. I then said to her that I had no choice but to cope. To struggle through each and every day.. No one actually knows how much I have to go through. they just let me get on with it.
So here's what my day to day routine is like.. I get up, I go downstairs and instantly have to do dialysis. sometimes I wake up a bit first sometimes I'm in a rush because I've over slept due to not being able to sleep the night before. I wait around half an hour until dialysis is done. then get ready for work. I sometimes have to walk to work which means I have to leave an hour before my shift starts just so I can get there on time. It takes the average person at least half an hour to walk to my work maybe less. But if I'm having a bad day I get breathless just by walking down my stairs. So as you can imagine walking to work is a lot of effort for me sometimes. I often stop for a rest or I get so breathless I have to take my inhalers. anyways, I do my 4/5 hour shift because that's all I can do before I have to go home again and do dialysis. I get picked up from work pretty much all the time. I get home and do dialysis straight away. I either have to then rush out to my 2nd job or I can relax at home. Currently it's been rushing out to my 2nd job. 4 hours there and I'm back home to do my last exchange for the day. I then try my very hardest to sleep. Sometimes I'm too bloated from the dialysis that I can't sleep. Often I get a lot of pains in my kidneys. nausea, or just purely can't sleep because I'm over thinking about my health. I suffer from insomnia a lot of the time. It's pretty rare that I can get to sleep straight away anymore.. Then the next day I'm too tired to do anything. Yet I still sometimes manage to get up and do all of what I did the day before again. I will do the same thing tomorrow and the next day. it's a lot to fit into one day. But I still do it because if I don't work I'll only break down because I'm just thinking about everything else. It's the only distraction, the only thing keeping me sane. Yet I'm pushing myself way to much to do more than what I can handle. No one notices, and no one really seems to care. Everyone thinks that I hate talking about my illness. I don't at all! It's because I'm not used to talking about it! No one bothers to ask me how I actually am. How things are going. Or if there is something they can do. They just see me smiling and assume everything is okay. Well it's not! I may have a smile on my face and I may act like everything is okay. It actually isn't!
That isn't even half of it.. I take about 6 different medication a day. Plus I have to have an injection every 2 weeks, plus blood test every time I go to the hospital. If I get ill I always have to tell the dr and the hospital incase the same thing happens again. the slightest cold/cough that the average person can get over is like the average person getting swine flu for me. I don't have energy, I sleep all day. I don't eat, drink anything. 9 times out of 10 I have I go into hospital because I've just simply had the flu. every time I have a cough I have to be careful that its not fluid built up in my lungs. Every stupid tummy ache I get could be because of dialysis or something else. So no matter what, I have to go and see my doctor.
I struggle every single day to keep a smile on my face. Sure I've broke down a few times but that's only because I needed the help. I've needed a step back. I don't ever do it though. I never ask for the help and I'm still taking on more than I can cope with. Every single day I just want to give up and just let nature take its cause. In all honesty there is nothing stopping me from doing that except for the fact that death scares me! It scares me so much that I'm willing to go through all this day to day torture just so I don't die. not many people actually realise that I would of been dead 2 years ago if it wasn't for dialysis. Screw that! I would of died 12 years ago if it wasn't for my mum taking me to a different doctors surgery. Just a few more weeks and I would of died. that's how close it came and not many people know that.. I sometimes think that it woulda been easier to just let it happen. Sometimes I wanna give up still soo badly. but even though I hate what I have to go through. I've learnt so fucking much!
Not to moan about stupid little things, treasure every memory, who my true friends are. People that have stuck by me. How much a job means, social life. Even though we may not get along half the time and even though I hate the way she does things. My mum has been the one person to stick by me from the very beginning. Staying at the hospital with me, always getting me to the hospital for check ups in London. I guess things changed a lot when I started dialysis. But the first 6 years of being ill my mum was just always there. I miss that. I miss how close we used to be, I miss her being there for me, I do.
I still have a lot more to come. I have very high blood pressure, which means I'm more prone to have a stroke or a heart attack. I'm at risk of suffering from diabetes. Later on in life when I need my 2nd transplant, I may not be able to go to the toilet anymore which means having a catheter inserted. I have a lot that I have to be prepared for. Yet here I am still fighting through and saying 'bring it on'
A lot of people have said 'it could be worse' yeah sure it could be. But it doesn't mean I'm not allowed to suffer. Sure I feel selfish for even saying I'm struggling. You know what though? I actually don't care. I am struggling, what I have to go through and what I still got to go through with is beyond anything anyone could cope with. People moan everyday that they hate their jobs, that they don't want to go to work. People take life for granted and don't need a job because mummy and daddy pay for everything. Some people have been lucky and been able to go to uni. study something they're interested in. Go on holiday. Have kids. Get engaged or have their own place.. So next time you moan about all that, remember, someone out there is actually struggling to get by each and every day because health/life is actually not that great for them. Not everyone is dealt a good life. just think of that next time you waste a day just slumbered on the sofa.
Life is tough sure, but there is always a way out, you just have to find the exit.
Tuesday, 13 November 2012
1. Go diving
2. Ride a horse
3. Ride a motorbike
4. Sky dive / bungee jump
5. Swim with dolphins
6. Go on safari
7. Go to a festival - DONE
8. Jet ski
9. Learn to surf
10. Go to Disney World
11. Go on holiday - IN PROCESS
12. Go traveling
13. Learn another language
14. Get a tattoo - DONE
15. Learn how to make a cocktail
16. Study Psychology
17. Raise money for a charity - DONE
18. Meet a celebrity
19. Learn to dance
20. Conquer a fear (hold a spider)
21. Pass my driving test
22. Stroke a tiger
23. Learn how to shade (drawing)
24. eat something new (i'm a fussy eater)
25. break a habbit
26. Learn to play an instrument
27. Get a degree
28. Learn fire-spinning
29. Write a book
30. See the Northern lights
31. Camp under the stars
Had a total breakdown at work :/ I just burst into tears! took a good while to stop crying! felt so stupid and so weak! I haven't been sleeping much lately! I don't even know why? I'ts 5am and i'm still wide awake! I'll fall asleep soon and then either wake up at 12 or sleep through until the afternoon. It's really bad! I've been late for work quite a few times because of this. I'm struggling to eat and struggling to keep a clear mind. I'm just soo tired yet I just can't get too sleep!
Sure I have a lot on my mind but nothing to keep me from loosing sleep.I don't think :s
I am beginning to struggle again, I can feel it. Feel myself becoming depressed again. I really don't want to go back on my anti depressants, but I fear I may have to. Especially if i'm not progressing after two weeks. I just don't want to have to reply on them. I guess given my current situation I suppose I do need something :(
Maybe I should start taking them again and see how much of a pick me up they give me. I might go see the doctor and see if there is anything I can take. Sleeping pills seem to make me sleep walk so thats a deffo no. I just need to sleep. I feel so tired.
So what's been going on? Hmm.. Still not started Hemo yet. but I do believe it may be very soon. I have 2 people currently being tested on being a donor. So fingers crossed! Things at home are starting to get bad again which really isn't helping the stress levels :/ I'm trying to juggle 2 jobs and still do dialysis in between. I've been thinking about what it will be like when i change to hemo. Its gonna take 3 hours out of 3 of my days. I need to split the rest of the days with co-op and the pub. Somehow I think I'm gonna have to give up one of the jobs. I guess we'll cross that bridge when the time comes. It's deffo on my mind though.
My little sister (from my dads side) is dues to have her baby in a few weeks! very very exciting! I can't wait to meet my new niece/nephew :) I really hope its a girl because I already have a nephew. It'll be awesome to have one of each :). I need to get this family situation sorted! My dad wants to see me and start building bridges, I don't really wanna meet him half way. He's had 22 years of chances and he wants to start now. After everything that hes done? I Just don;t want anything to do with him! but its my sister making me think twice! now that shes gonna be having a baby, I may have to see him more. To be honest I don't mind being civil but as far as a daughter/dad relationship goes? yeah that was pretty much over the day he walked out on my life. He's so full of it! Always talks about my mum and how he still loves her. blah! He has no right to say any of that! has no right to even mention her. He still refuses that he is my older brothers dad. He still says that he was born before him and his mum got together! I just don't know what to do. When I found out he was my brother I was over the moon! always wanted an older brother. Him and his two brothers have always treated me like a little sister. I love them to bits. I would be totally gutted to find out that he wasn't my brother.
Been thinking a lot about what I wanna do with my life. I have a list of all the things I wanna do. So far 21. I'd like to get to 30 and do it all before I get to 30 I'll post up the list soon :D people can help me with ideas then.
Monday, 5 November 2012
In all honesty.. I don't care anymore. I've come this far. I can't continue. I've had enough! I'm sick and tired of being ill all the time. I'm sick of trying to stay strong. I just wanna break down all the time! I hate that I've lost so much because of this. I want to give up now. I can't go on.
So, new year I'm gonna stop my treatment. And spend the remaining time I have left fixing things. I've already said a few goodbyes to people because I know I won't see them again. Well kinda hard when they won't speak to you I guess..
But yeah, I hope everyone understands and respects my wishes.. Please don't try and change that.
Saturday, 20 October 2012
Operation went well, I now have a permanent vibrating hand which is rather annoying when I'm trying to sleep! But so awesome seeing people's reaction when they touch it! Brilliant! You can also hear the blood passing through which is pretty awesome! I so can't wait to start my other treatment! Can't wait to get my life back and not have to worry about getting home for a certain time. I can go to festivals and actually stay at a mates!! Ahh. Can't wait!!
Now that I've had two weeks off work, I just don't want to be going back! I mean I need the money and all but I'm not sure how I'm gonna be with my new 'spasticated hand' I can still barely use it lol. Will just have to try and find a way around it I guess.
I've been working in the pub as that doesn't exactly involve much. I love pub work atm, I'm hoping by the new year I'll be getting the drinks right and then maybe look into working in a bigger pub? Maybe pack co-op in and just have 2 pub jobs. We shall see where the future takes me!!
I have finalllyyy had some good news! I applied for support ages ago when I started dialysis (2years ago). I wasn't able to work and was having no income. Took 7 months for them toss pots to make a decision, apparently I was well enough to work -.- not sure how they came to that conclusion but yeah! I took it to court and won the appeal so I'm finally gonna have what I'm owed! I'm nearly out of debt so that money will help go towards a car! I'm so desperately in need of a car ! Gonna start up my lessons again soon and start studying for my theory! Maybe get it done for my bday! can't wait!
Eugh, 23!? I don't wanna be 23 :( it sucks! I'm gonna remain a big kid forever!! I do plan on finding Peter pan and running away to neverland! I mean, I'm obsessed with spongebob! I love trigger! I still get excited over a Disney movie and still get happy meals in macdonalds lol give me a kinder egg and I'll sit there playing with the toys!! I mean I'm such a huge kid lol I'm never growing up :) I should grow up really, but who wants to grow up and act mature? Not me!! Lol
So yeah, that's another post over with, until next time..
Tuesday, 2 October 2012
Without them I just literally wouldn't be here. Thank you soooo much for helping through my darkest times, for always being there when I've needed you. It's meant so bloody much to me. You all have no idea just how thankful I am. You guys are the reason why I'm still living, without all my friends and family I just wouldn't of been able to cope. So Thank you to everyone <3
I created a page on facebook 'Save Claire' a few people said that they had no idea I was on Dialysis, and things were that bad!! one person said ' You play it so cool, no one would ever know, how do you manage? I'd be a mess ' Kinda made me think, Is that a good or bad thing? Last two years, I'm pretty sure I've just been a mess! Just haven't coped at all. Just been so lost and so upset about it all. I just kinda had to get on with it though and I just learnt to live with it. There's nothing I can do about the situation, other than get on with it :s
It's so good that I have such close friends standing by me though. One of my closest friends said ' Your an inspiration huni and I love you!! You still manage every day with such a smile and enthusiasm for life, people can learn alot from you! Don't ever change girl your amazing!! X ' It's the most amazing thing I've had someone say to me through all this. It's because of my friends and family that I just haven't given up. For that I am so thankful! I just don't know if I would of ever got this far without them <3
Friday, 21 September 2012
My blood results are looking good. All my calcium/iron levels are looking good. It's just my blood pressure :/
I'm on the highest dose of my blood pressure pills. If that doesn't help then I'll have to have go onto a new tablet. I'm having to higher dose of my phosphate tablets. Other than that I'm doing well. :)
I have my operation on the 3rd of October to have my fistula put in. Really scared :/
I was asking a thousand questions yesterday with my nurses, trying so hard not to cry lol. I think hemo-dialysis is going to be a lot easier for me to deal with. I'll have more freedom and I won't have to worry so much about it. I don't know why I'm so worried, but I am. I don't want it in my arm. I just hate the thought of it.
I hate the thought of all this tbh, but if I wanna live, I have no choice. I can see me starting to get low self-esteem because of it, I mean I have with my pd tube and no one can see that! I guess I'm just thinking way too much about it and expecting the worse :/
On the happier side of things, my little sister is having a baby :) (not sammy, katherine) she's 7 months gone! How can you not know you're pregnant?! Crazy! But, I'm well looking forward to having another niece/nephew. Going to get spoilt so much! I plan on buying him/her everything to do with tigger possible :D - this is prob why I shouldn't have kids! I'd dress it up in all these outfits haha
Obviously, I wasn't very happy with her for not being careful. But she's my lil sis, gotta be there for her.
I have a 2nd job! Working in the pub down the road from me. It's good, I'm really enjoying it. I need to learn more drinks and what glass to put them in but yeh! I'm sure I'll get the hang of things.
I'm almost out of debt (: just got one more to pay off and thats it! So I'm saving up now to buy myself a cheap car. Insure myself on it and get lessons! I need to get myself driving as its gonna give me a lot more freedom.
Still waiting to hear from the court about my appeal! Hmm
I got so many good things happening, so many things to look forward to. So why do I feel so sad? I know exactly why! Because of him.. I love him and there is just nothing I can do about it.
Sunday, 2 September 2012
Been doing a lot of research and i don't know why it never occurred to me before hand. I'm gonna have a Canular (however its spelt) in my arm permanently. I mean with my tube hardly anyone knows apart from the people who know I'm on dialysis. Where as if I have hemo. Everyone will see this, and stare and ask questions. I don't think I want that :/ and as its going to be in my arm, that's going to limit a lot of things I can do. I won't be able to lift anything heavier than a bag of potatoes :/ I mean I can barely manage crates of beer. I won't be able to once I got this thing in my arm. Would I have to give up work? :( I really don't want to.
I hate dialysis soo much! I really do! But without it I wouldn't be alive so I have no choice. I either stick to the bags and continue not having a life or I have a needle hanging from my arm and put up with 21 questions from strangers and limit what I can do for work :/
I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy! It totally fucking sucks. Sure it could be worse and I hate that it could be worse. But right now I can't do anything other than wait. I'm starting to feel so much worse than I used to. I don't think the anti depressants are helping much anymore. Sure I manage to get through the day without a single tear but as soon as I'm home bored doing nothing. It all comes flooding in. Just don't know what to do anymore. I need something new in my life I think. I need new distractions.
What I really need though is a donor :( I don't know how to ask people if they would wanna donate without sounding like I'm forcing? Without them feeling like they should say yes.. I mean I don't expect anyone to go through with it but you never know until you ask I guess :/
I just don't know what the right thing is to do :/
I don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm certainly not strong enough. Everyone says that to me ' you're so strong' yeah that's why I hate every single day I wake up. But I have no choice. I have to carry on.
With everything else going on in my life I'm really surprised I hasn't had one massive break down!
Money, family, Chris+I breaking up, arguments with friends and my dad!
My dad is trying to be apart of my life again and god knows what I wanna do he's had 22 years to be a dad, so why all of a sudden does he wanna now? He hasn't changed one bit and I don't know why I keep trying to tell myself he will. Lol! He won't change! But he is still my dad :/ grrr!!
I think I need a holiday :( would it be wrong to raise money for myself? If I told people then why not? I'm not exactly saying I'm raising for charity then keeping it. I practically am charity lol ah well. Maybe I can ask the kidney foundation group. I deffo need to get away for a bit. Hmm where to go? Maybe I should look into getting a passport and go stay with family in America or something. I don't know if I'd wanna go by myself though. Or maybe that's just what I need. Just time away from everyone and everything. Eugh I make it sound like my life is terrible :|
Ah well! It kinda is atm.
Saturday, 16 June 2012
I'm really unsure about where to go in life right now. I really want to study psychology still. But, I'm really wanting to start travelling. I'm still young and I think it would be awesome. Get loads of work experience in different countries. Then come back and study. I'm just not sure. I'm still considering changing dialysis treatment. It may be easier to travel with it as well. It's gonna be at least 7 months before I can use it. So I have time to re think about my options. Just wish I could talk to someone about my options and see what the best way in life to go would be. It's just so much effort with everything right now.
Since being on the anti-depressants I have been a lot happier. I still have my days, but no where near as bad. I still get really down at times and just feel like doing nothing at times. I just play music and draw. It's pretty hard right now, but hey, it could be worse, right?
Alot has been playing on my mind lately;
My dad mainly! I don't get it? he walked out of my life! he doesn't make much of an effort with me, yet I still find myself worrying for him? I recently been told that he's been depressed and just doesn't want to see anybody. Just sits at home. It made me think, if he did something stupid and wasn't around tomorrow. I know for a fact I would regret not trying to make up with him. I'm just tired of trying when he doesn't seem to wanna know himself. He says it's to late to make an effort with me, when really he hasn't really made much of an effort. Sure he's come to visit me in hospital once and he's wished me a happy birthday. It's better than nothing. I want him to be a dad though! not some loon who kicks off when he cant get his own way. If he made more of an effort and proved that he wants a relationship then I'll be happy to give him that chance. I just don't see why I should make the effort when I wasn't the one who walked away..
Then again, whether I like it or not, he's my dad and part of me does wanna help him through this. Just don't know what to do. So fed up with my family being so messed up!
I wish I had a closer relationship with my older brother too, I just don't really know how to go about it. I've been quite close to my little sister lately. We've been hanging out a lot and its been nice. I just wish i had the chance with my other siblings. Thanks to my dad my youngest sister moved god knows where! only get to see her if her mum can bring her to meet me. My oldest sister (younger than me) lives far away, with no money it's quiet hard to see her too. We text and talk on facebook and stuff but I just wish I could see her more. Same with my brother. He lives close by, but I just don't really know how to ask to hang out more?
I hate thinking :(
Friday, 4 May 2012
I broke up with my boyfriend because there was just a lot getting in the way. Not only my health but other stuff too. We're still good mates but I miss him a lot. Ive been thinking a lot about how much I must of dragged him down with me being so depressed all the time. I always lashed out on him :/ even if he didn't do anything I always made sure there were something to blame him for :( I was such an idiot for letting my depression control me and letting it affect my relationship. He is such an amazing guy and I was an actual fool to let things get bad between us.
I started anti-depressants a few weeks later and got signed off work. 2 months later and here I am writing a blog and still unsure what to do with my life.
Still talking to Chris, but we've both agreed that it's for the best that we remained friends. I'm pretty gutted that I fucked things up between us but it wasn't exactly fair on him how I was being.
Having the time off work and I guess not having a relationship to worry about has helped lift off a lot of pressure. I've just had me time and I tell you what! It's been so bloody good! Just not having to worry about having a decent sleep for work or doing dialysis wrong and being late for work. Just haven't had anything to worry about and it's just been amazing! I feel a lot better and for the first time in like ages I actually feel happy. Sure I've been upset about Chris now and then but I am to blame and we are still friends which I should be grateful for. If I were him I would of walked ages ago. I'm truly thankful to him for sticking around so long.
Things at home I guess are a little better. Now that I've been a bit more chilled out and more relaxed I'm not letting things get to me as much. Kinda been a little bit closer to my mum but not as much. She's still far more interested in her facebook games. Me and my sister have been a little closer. I try catch up with her and talk about her dramatic teenage life. As for my brother he still sits on his arse, however he has applied for college shockingly! He has an interview soon. So weird to see him leaving school and being in college.
What else? Hmm, I've been in hospital (yay) for some infection the doctors couldn't find. I've been giving it a lot of thought, and I'm considering changing dialysis treatment. I'm thinking about going to the hospital to have it done. It will take 3 hours and I would have to go 3 times a week. I'm thinking it will be easier as, 1) I wouldn't have to be home all the time, 2) I can travel much more easier and just go to the nearest hospital 3) it gives me more time for myself to catch up on reading/tv/ or when I start studying i can do that. It will be so good just to go out and not worry about rushing back home for dialysis. And I can go in the evening if I ever wanted to. But I think I would prefer lunch time as then I have the rest of the day free. I don't know. I still have to discuss with the doctors.
My uncle helped me with showing me the kidney association website which help those with kidney disease. They give out grants to help with education/holidays/travel etc. I'm applying for a grant to help pay towards my education. I just need to find the right course first. I'm still looking into psychology just found a few websites with different courses. So I'm getting there slowly :) just taking things one at a time.
The one thing about these tablets though. I get thinking a lot! So I'm always having to do something to stop me from thinking or I end up getting upset, mainly about my health still. I think at the time I just accepted all this change and just went along with it. 'I'll be finee' but really, I think reality has hit harder than ever. I'm just still feeling stuck! Like there is no way out. I just want this to be over with :( really want this operation over! But let's face it! It's never going to be over. This kidney will last me a maximum of 12 years and then I'll be stuck on dialysis again :/ it's just a vicious circle..
When I was in hospital the lady next to me she had breast cancer for the 2nd time in a year. She had already had 1 removed and has to have the 2nd one removed. On top of that her nerves were damaged in her legs. Her eye sight was a bit poor oh and she had diabetes and yet she still managed to smile and just cope. I just dunno how she managed. I can barely cope now and my illness isn't that bad yet. How the hell am I going to cope later on in life? I just don't want to get older! I'm so scared to face what's to come. Most people on dialysis don't wee anymore. I've noticed that I don't go as much anymore and I'm sooo scared to what's going to happen when I eventually stop! Will I have to have a catheter? Walk around with some bag like the elderly have? I don't want that :( I'm proper scared! I don't want this illness anymore!
People actually don't think to how much your body requires your kidneys to work. If it weren't for your kidneys you'd be dead. Yet people abuse being healthy everyday and it really pisses me off! Kidneys do more then get rid of urine!
Tuesday, 13 March 2012
Not being at home I've been able to relax a little bit more. Not hide away in my room, tread on egg shells or have to worry about anything that my mother piles up on me. I literally hate it there with a passion! I have no where else to go though because no one has the room for me :( just dunno what to do anymore. Do I get a place of my own and not do my education? Or do I just try find a different job and stay with someone in a new town? It's not as if I have anything keeping me where I am now.. My friends have totally just abandoned me, I don't see anyone anymore! The only social life I have now is with work people and that's just in work :(
I really wish I didn't have such a demanding health problem, I could of ran away ages ago and stayed with anyone. Found a new job, start over. But I can't. I'm stuck in some loop, I hate it :( what can I do though?
Sunday, 4 March 2012
So when the doctors told me I had to start dialysis in 2010, I was so gutted. So upset! I didn't want to be stuck on dialysis. I didn't want to have a tube in me, Sticking out of my tummy. I felt so alone, Like I was going through it all by myself. I was! I didn't have my mum there because she was working. I had to stay at my aunties all week because she lives close to the hospital. I started my training.. How to do this, how to do that, what to do if this happens, what bags to use. So much information, so much to take in. Yet, for some reason I just carried on as if this were normal. I had no choice. I had to do dialysis 4 times a day, every day. How can I work? how can I go out and see my friends? I have no time to do anything.. I developed depression, no one bothers to ask how I am, they just leave me too it. No one is there for me, because no one understands what I have to go through! 5 months past and I still was unable to work. My bills were piling up, making me in debt, I couldn't pay it off because I wasn't working.
I went into hospital Christmas 2010 with really bad flu symptoms, It was when the swine flu was around and I thought it was that, It felt like that. I felt so rough, I was in a really bad way then. It's not normally how I feel when I have the flu. I cut down to three bags, which freed up a little time. I started work January 2011 but only could do 8.5 hours a week. Due to the fact I'd be there for 4 hours and it would be time to come home again to do dialysis! Then I'd get too tired because I wasn't used to working. (baring in mind I have just had a year of work, November 2009 I was in a car crash, then when I healed from that, I had my appendix taken out in Feb 2010, I went to work for a month in April then I came out ill and started dialysis) I tried to apply for Employment and Support Allowance but I got declined. It got to the point now where I was only earning £90-105 per month. After paying bills and trying to clear of debts I would have £20 to last me a month. I was never able to buy the monthly essentials. I got even more depressed by this and by the time I found out I was unable to claim ESA it was November! They kept me waiting for so long just to say I wasn't Allowed it. So I had no choice but to take matters into my own hands and I stated doing dialysis over night. I would do an exchange before bed, wake up during the night and then do another exchange when I wake up around 11/12. That now leaves me the whole day free. I boosted my hours up to 15 hours a week and I've put my health at risk too many times. I'm not sleeping, I developed Insomnia, I was too tired to go into work. I've been really ill because I'm over doing it. I have just had enough!
Since being on dialysis my life has just been on stand still. I'm just on my own, left behind and stuck on a never ending road. All my friends are moving on in life, coming back from uni, getting jobs, having kids all sorts. My cousin is going to Australia soon and I'd give anything to be going with her! I want to have my education, go travelling, just have a life that every normal 22 year old is having. Instead, I'm stuck in a part time supermarket job, barely getting by with financial problems and not even an education. I'm so sick and tied of not doing what I want to do in life! I cant even drive because I cant afford it! I just wanna be able to have a decent job and get on with living my life!
So many people expect so much of me. Work, Family, Friends.. I've just had enough! I want to break down and just hide away. Everyone sees me as a strong person, but they don't have a clue! They don't know what I have to go through every day! They don't see the pain I feel every time I can't do something. They don't see me break into tears because I've just had enough! Not only do I have my health as a number 1 stress in my life. I have my family! They belong on the Jeremy Kyle show.. honestly!!
My dad is an alcoholic waste of space. My mother just doesn't care, and causes arguments. My brother and sister are just happily throwing away their lifes. I just wanna get out of here! I envy EVERYONE who has been able to move out of home - whether its going to uni or moved away for a new job or anything. I wish I could move away and just leave everyone behind! I think to myself sometimes.. Am I being tested? To see how much I can take? because, surely I've passed? I've had to put up with so much shit my whole life.. surely now I can just have a break? No! everytime I get back up on my feet, I just get knocked back to the floor. I'm sick an tied of trying to get back up. I'm just happy to stay down.
I started writing this blog to help get things of my mind. Another reason is to hopefully help those who are going through similar situations as me. I know exactly how they would feel, how scared they will be. Everything! I know right now, I can barely make it through the day without getting upset or stressed out. I'm hoping though when I finally get my transplant, that all this pain, all this torture will be worth it because when that day happens. I'm living each day as if it's going to be my last.
In a way, Its made me look at life in so many different ways! life can suck big time. It can always be worse yeah, It doesn't mean that your problems don't exist though. Some people get life dealt easy to them and they take it for granted. I've come to appreciate to small things in life and understanding so much about life. I've had to go through a hell of a lot in life, and its only the beginning...
I cba to read through this for spelling mistakes, so sorry if there are any. thanks for reading <3
Monday, 20 February 2012
I really hate talking, I just know I'll burst into tears as soon as I admit I need help. I don't want to cry. I don't want to sit in a room awkwardly with someone and discuss my problems, mainly because I'm scared of it. Scared of facing reality. I know I have to though, I can't go on like this. I just don't really know what to do.
I can't afford to take time off work, but I'm going to have to, I can't cope with work stress on top of everything else. I'm so lost, so stuck I just don't know which way to turn.
Saturday, 18 February 2012
I reckon he is right, I do really need to talk to someone. I just can't, I hate talking, I hate talking about my problems and talking about what's on my mind. I've always been the kind of person to just put it to the back of my mind and just carry on trying to survive the day. I don't want to think about it, talk about it. I just don't want to come to terms with it. Before I was put on dialysis, My health was fine. Doctors always have said I'd end up on dialysis but because I felt fine and healthy I just ignored it all and thought I knew best.. When the time came, I just had a hard time coping with it all. I just went with the flow and then tried to act like it wasn't happening. I just got on with it.. That's how I've always just delt with things. Just put it to the back of my mind and try not to let it affect me. It all gets too much though at times. I don't want to talk abut it all, I don't want to cry and I don't want to sit in a room awkwardly talking to some stranger that doesn't know me. I know I should because it's going to help, but it's not going to get me a kidney. What's the point? All I know is that I need to do something because I'm too scared to sleep. Thursday night I woke up screaming. I was so scared to go to sleep last night that I left my lamp on.. stupid or what?
Monday, 6 February 2012
Saturday, 14 January 2012
So annoyed with so many different things! My life being on standby is one. I'm slightly jealous of everyone that I know moving on with their life's.. Having a fancy job that pays well.. Having a car and can drive.. Own place to live.. Or even going to uni! Whilst everyone is surviving I'm just stuck in a part time job waiting for a kidney to come up. I'm fed up with waiting and being pushed back down after weeks of trying to stand up again after the last fall. For once in my miserable life can't something good happen to me? I want to so badly have my old life back where I didn't have to worry about all this shit! If I'd known what I wanted to do in life I would of done college a lot sooner and not waste so much time. I wish I could just afford the things in life, just simple shampoo I can't afford.. How embarrassing?
My family aren't exactly much help. My mum has debts from everywhere.. She can't afford to send my sister into school so I've had to take it out of my Christmas money to get her to school. Not that I can afford it, I have to pay out for hospital tomorrow and that's it I'm skint. I can't wait to next get paid because you know what? I'm so desperate for money and so desperate to get somewhere in life I've decided to do escorting (nothing sexual otherwise that's a prossy) it's easy money that I could do with. Pass my test! Get a car and then I can be free to do all the work I can do because then I can take dialysis to work and I can start having my nights back! I need them back! I can't afford to right now though. I hate living in this house, I mean sure I have a roof over my head but it's full of animals and it's too small. Its so unhygienic for me. I'm looking to move out and get myself on the council list. I'm half and half though, I need a place of my own but if I do that I can't afford anything else, If i stay here then it's more stress and it's not good for my health. Eugh! Just don't know what to do, it's why I've turned to escorting because of the money! I feel like a bad person but desperate times and all that...
Don't even get me started on my low life waste of a dad I have!
Another thing about my health that noone seems to understand is that I get I'll very easily, where a simple cold for you lot would pretty much mean im dying for me. Sound over the top but it's true, I also get tired very easily. High blood pressure is another, it's important I don't push myself and not get too stressed because if my blood pressure gets too high I'm at risk of a stroke! How fucking scary is that? :/
I swear someone is testing to see how much shit I'll go through.. How much I can take before I have a melt down and end up in a mental home! I feel like I'm being punished! Sometimes I feel like I deserve it but other times I just wish I could have a break and run away and leave everything behind me, including my health!
A lot of people have said that I'm strong for going through what I have to go through. A lot of people ask how I cope? Well tbh I have no choice, I fake my smiles and bottle everything up because I just simply feel selfish for complaining about a health that can soon be helped. I mean it could be worse. Sometimes yeah I do want someone to just ask 'how are you Claire? How you coping? How's thing?' but it never happens, it's why I always have a lot of status' on Facebook. Kinda my way of getting it off my chest.. Yeah it could be worse but doesn't stop me from feeling down about it all, doesn't stop me from feeling like I'm alone. Sure I have friends and people who say 'I'm here if you need a chat' they're just being polite, right? I don't like approaching people and saying ' I need someone to talk to' I'm no good with talking about me and my problems. It's okay now because I'm writing it all out and I hardly doubt anyone even bothers to read my blogs but hey ho. It's helping me get everything off my chest so I don't care.
As everyone is rushing around getting the final bits for christmas done I have to go and get ill :(. I was quite ill 3/4 weeks ago, and I was in hospital for the weekend as I was draining out blood with my dialysis. I tried to go back to work the following week and was sick at work :( that was 4 days ago. I went to doctors and they've put me on antibiotics, but i've been getting a lot of back pain, around the kidney area.. I feel okay today, but still quite breathless and a few pains in my back.
I just cant be bothered with all of this anymore, I have had to go through so much in the last few years its just getting worse and worse. I want out so bad! Why cant someone, anyone come forward as a donor? I want my life back, I want to start making something out of my life, instead I'm stuck.
Argh! I'm so stressed out lately. I just found out that I'm not entitled for employment & support allowance.. Not even sure why! I'm clearly unable to work full time. What do they need me to do? Be on my deathbed before being able to get help? Takes the piss it really does..
All those people out there that can actually work and are claiming I don't know.. Working tax or disability allowance when they just have ashma its annoying. I actually have a serious health condition which affects my work. Takes the piss really does. The thing that really annoys me is that I made this claim in may and they took so long to get my claim sorted that I had no choice but to start doing dialysis over night and start working more hours. I am not sleeping well and made myself really ill because I just really struggled to cope on £100 a month. They say that if i work less than 16 hours a week i'm still entitled to make a claim, which I am! My doctors have got so worried because my blood pressure is high. I'm not sleeping well and I'm hardly eating. I'm in proper trouble with my health right now and because I've been pushing myself and pushing, I've become really ill. Just because I cant live off my income. So stupid! :(
My boyfriend and I broke up around 2 weeks ago. I feel as though it's not really working out anymore. We have nothing in common and I have so much going on in my life right now I just cant cope with our arguments and little issues that are affecting the relationship right now. I do love him to bits and he does really mean the world to me. I love how he makes me feel.. but I just don't have the same feelings as I once did for him. We've become so distant because of the arguing. I have too much going on to be worrying and fighting for this to work between us. I just don't see a future with him anymore. There's so many things that are in the way and so many things that need to change.
I really can't see my own future to be honest, I don't ever want to get married. Too be honest I don't really want kids. I'm stuck on dialysis. Whilst i'm on that I don't think trying to raise a kid is a good idea. God knows how long I have to wait for a kidney. Then when I do get a kidney, god knows if i'll be ready then to have kids, or even be with someone. I just think that i'll always struggle with my life. I'm struggling so much now.. I haven't gone to uni, not going to go. I cant get a better job and I cant afford to do a home study course.. I'm just permanently stuck in a shitty part time job going nowhere in life. That's not any life for a child to grow up into, having a Mother that can't work, can't drive, no education, cant get a decent job to give them what they want. I don't want to end up struggling so much like my mum. I refuse to ever be in that situation and allow my kids to grow up into a world like mine. I just am so fed up not being able to do what I want in life.
Just don't know what to do anymore. Don't know who to turn to for help. I really need the extra support in life.
Emptiness forces its way in, I can’t control it.
My heart starts knotting and my chest starts tightening.
Tears start running down my cheeks, it’s getting hard to breathe
I want to give up, stop breathing and make everything go away, but it wont
I’m all alone, no one to turn to. Why does it have to be me? Is it a test?
I’m no longer strong enough to carry on, it’s why I’m breaking down into tears..
I’m calling out for help, sending signals..
No one will come. No one will save me
So its been a while since I've posted, good news is that I've been working more. Dialysis over night seems to be going well. Not enjoying the 5.30 wake up calls though. I get so tired, sometimes I sleep through which is not good! But yeah, working loads so been busy. Its good because I get out the house keep my mind of everything. Bad because I always have to return to this dump!
Things at home are getting worse, I'm considering calling social services. It could mean my brother and sister being taken into care though which is not what they need. Mum is still complaining about being a mum even though she doesn't do anything. My brother is failing school and my sister.. Well she's actually the only other normal one in this house. My mum is always on the computer, playing her facebook games that she doesn't notice what's actually happening. She thinks things will just fall into place and everything will be done for her. She expects life to be easy and as soon as something doesn't go her way she'll throw a big tantrum and go in a huge mood and blame everyone else.
I really just want to get away, get out of this house. Makes me so depressed and stressed out all the time. No one understands how bad it is here.
Things with my health are shit. I'm so fed up waiting around for someone to die and be a donor. I'm not strong enough to pretend things are okay when they're not. I just want someone, one person to come forward and donate. I know its a big thing, big commitment but I just can't go on like this anymore. So fed up with having this tube in me. I probably will always have it. I can't really see them taking it out for a few years and then put it back in after I need another kidney. That's another thing.. I'm waiting all this time for one kidney. Then when that dies out on me I'm gonna have to wait again for another kidney. I don't want to spend my life on dialysis having to wait around again and again for a kidney. Its just too much to deal with.
I'm so fed up, I can't pretend anymore. No one knows what I have to go through and I'm so fed up with everyone ignoring it. I miss my old life, I miss being able to go out with friends. I've missed out on so much and I'm being held back from so much. I want to go to uni! I want to experience student life, being away from home. I want all of that. Just don't know how to get there because I don't have the grades.
So I haven't blogged recently. I haven't had much to say.. Haven't done much. I started work again which is going well. Haven't had many hours yet but will be soon. I've handed in my CV to other places as I really need another part time job. Really want to get my debt cleared and pay back my bf what he's lent me. Once that's done - I can finally buy some new clothes because I am in DESPERATE need of clothes. Then I really want to do a home study course. As i'm not getting my employment and support money yet I cant apply for financial support so looks like I've got to wait until next year when it starts again :( In the mean time i'm looking into driving! desperately need a car. So I have a lot of things that I want to achieve but i just need the money to do so.
I'm getting a little bit fed up with being held back with everything. I just want to live my live and do something with my life. Everyone else in my year are either back from uni and doing really well for themselves or they are in a good job and getting on with life. I'm so fed up that I have to always consider dialysis, I'm stuck hooked up on bags half the day and it really sucks! No one actually understands how much this actually affects my life. No one bothers to ask me how it's all going, how I am and if I need extra support. Just left me to do it by myself.
My mother is doing my head in! nothing changed there! She's always arguing with her partner and always letting my brother and sister get away with anything! She caught my brother smoking and he gets grounded.. He hardly goes out because he'd rather be stuck on his xbox 24/7, so he gets grounded which isn't really a punishment because he still has his xbox. Next day, he's allowed back out! WTF!? If that were me at that age I would of been grounded for life and punished! She doesn't exactly do much about it. She hasn't sat them down and said 'This is what smoking does to you.. These are the risks..ect' Just lets them get on with it and learn the hard way. She wont stand up and be a mother! She complains about cooking, which isn't that meant to be her job? to feed her family? She doesn't do anything other then sit at the computer and play her facebook games. Oh and takes 3 hours out by working at the local school. I'm not that close with my mum anymore. Not since I've started dialysis. I think she could be pregnant too which would SUCK! She can barely afford to keep up with the bills, barely afford to put food in the cupboards. She's getting eviction letters every other month. Argues with her partner, doesn't trust him. WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU HAVE A KID?!?! I hate her! - What she doesn't know is that if she is pregnant, she looses her daughter! I've had enough! I don't want extra stress in the house, I don't need a screaming kid around. no food nothing! - That is probably sounding selfish to most of you, but trust me, with the amount of stress already in the house, doesn't need to be any more. I'm moving out, going to go live with my dad for a bit until cab help me out with a house.
Work have agreed to keep me on, so i still have a job. YAY!! :D
Dialysis over night is going really well, I'm getting into a better routine and starting to eat more!
Im starting to get more healthy and Im starting to feel the difference in my skin and weight.
I Just need to send off for financial support for OU and hopefully I'll be doing my psychology soon (:
So why am I feeling so bummed out? Family! They suck! I don't think I'll ever achieve having my family make me happy again..
so I have started doing dialysis over night now. It's been 5 days. It's going okay I guess. I am sooo tired though :( I am getting up for 4/5 every morning to do an exchange and then again at 10/11. I'm trying to stay awake after 11 so I can try and get into a routine. I find it really hard getting back to sleep after my exchange at 5'o clock though. Although, I am eating a bit more now and feeling good. I'm hoping my boss will let me take back my notice and I can start putting more hours in. I am also starting to do some wii fit to get into a routine of exercise then hopefully by the time I next get paid I get can get a swim suit and get into swimming again :)
It will be so good to finally have money. First thing is first though, I have to pay back my boyfriend and mate what I owe and my mother -.-. Then I can finally get some new clothes! getting a bit tired of wearing the same old stuff. Then I must get my bf a birthday pressie as I never got him much :(
So I haven't been doing well lately. I still cant find a house so looks like uni a big fat no no. My boyfriend suggested I do an open university course, which I did look at and applied too. Just waiting to hear back from them as i'm not sure if I am allowed to get financial support ''/. I handed in my notice at work and feel like a tit if I ask to withdraw it. I don't even know what's happening now. If I do this open uni thing im stuck at home. I want to go to uni and experience it all. I doubt I can whilst i'm stuck on dialysis :(
I feel like I haven't really been able to get a good chance in life. I did bad at school because I was never there due to health, I had to take a year out after college because of starting dialysis. Lets be honest, I never had a chance, my mum fell pregnant with me when she was 16 had me at 17 and raised me by herself. 3 years later she decides to get married and have two more kids then 5 years later gets a divorce.. So now she is stuck in a part time job claiming benefits in a shitty council house. Yeh sure I have a roof over my head, but the amount of times we have had the council threaten to take away our house is unreal! I don't wanna end up like that! three kids, two dads that have both walked out, part time job, benefits.. it's no life for anyone really! This is why it means so much to me to do well in life but have my f***ing health holding me back. So frustrating!
Really annoys me when people have the chance to make something of themselves but instead they throw it away. What idiots! But I guess if they want to throw away their lives it's down to them!
So I had a really weird dream last night.. and when I say weird it was pretty messed up..
I was on some boat.. I think.. Well I was somewhere anyways, there was wooden floor boards everywhere. The really dark brown coloured ones you'd get in a old house I guess.. anyways I have no idea why I was here but there were ghosts everywhere. I guess you could say they were what a ghost would be expected to look like.. white see through body - a bit like casper. I was walking around this place as if they didn't bother me and there was dust everywhere! :S I found it hard to breathe. The ghosts were telling me about someone being berried and how they were still alive or something :s when I went to check it out the grim reaper was just standing there in his black coat and lil weapon he carries around. He looked up at me and instantly I was scared, I had chills run down my back. I turned around and went to walk away but the scenery changed and he was now in front of me. All the ghosts had jut suddenly vanished.. He started walking towards me and got closer and closer, at the very last minute he turned and said 'you're dead' then another voice said 'I was already dead' ... I must of woken up because I don't remember anything else :s fucking weird or what?
My boyfriend brought me a book called the dreamers dictionary. It's got the meanings of all sorts (what its meant to mean in dreams) so i looked up dust, death and grim reaper and this is what was said :
Death - If you spoke with someone who is dead, you will soon hear very good news. To be aware of a dead person you cannot identify portends an inheritance which may not be personal but could be beneficial.
Dust - signifies an approaching periods of annoyances, petty quarrels, and minor embarrassments
Grim reaper - To see the grim reaper signifies the negative, rejected aspects of your personality. It aspects of yourself that you have repressed. Alternatively, it symbolises death. The dream may be parallel an end to some situation, habit, relationship in your waking life.
I have literally had enough!
I just don't know how much more i can deal with. I have exactly one week to find money so i can buy my bf a birthday pressie, treat him to a nice day and on top of that find money to go to london so i can view some houses for uni. I've tried claiming but they are taking ages! tried tracing it up but i got to go for a medical assessment and got to get a medical certificate from the doctors -.- So that's like another week until i can get my money. By the time i get it i'll be canceling it to go to uni as i wont be working anymore. Eugh!
My whole family are driving me insane! My mum thinks its okay to let my brother sit on his arse all day playing COD - in all fairness though its what she does.. goes to work, comes home sits at the computer plays her games, checks free-cycle and then doesn't come off it until around 8ish. She says that we are old enough to cook our own meals and how she hates being the one to always cook! Isnt that what a mother is meant to do? My brother is 16 and my sister is 14 yeah sure they're old enough to do beans on toast and stuff like that, cant really imagine them doing a full cooked dinner can you? She gets moody for no reason and tbh i cannot wait to get away from her. We did used to be really close, but until she chose to have another kid over saving the one from kidney failure - it has really gone downhil.
I am having alot of money difficulties, I can't work because i get so tired so easily and i cant work for longer then 5 hours 'cause then i have to be home doing dialysis. I honestly have just had enough! i hate this life! cant do anything without dialysis getting in the way! cant go flat hunting a day cause of that GRR!
Just really could use a wish right now..
So I went to view a few flats today for uni and I can honesty say, i've never had a worser day!
Dialysis is really getting me down lately I feel so trapped and it just seems like it will never end. After viewing my flat loads of thoughts kept going through my head - What if I run out of things? Would I be near a hospital that supplies my stuff? How would I manage it back? - It's so hard finding a room, I have so many worries like; needing a ground room so its easy access for delivery to get in, reasonable size room so I can fit it all in. Drop off point for delivery, need to be nearish a hospital and also a good distance from my college. It's such a pain and i've just simply had enough!
The past two weeks have just been hell! I had a minor operation to get rid of the extra tissue growing on my tube on 24th June, I was hoping to return to work the following tuesday but because I was still in a lot of pain I had to take the week off, which wasn't good. I returned this week though and got to have the stitches taken out on thursday.
You're probably wondering what's wrong with me with complaining about having time off work? Well as most of you would love to have time off. I'd love to be working more! I can only do 8 hours a week otherwise I get to tired, due to my illness running me down all the time, plus I can only do 4 hours a day then I have to get back home to do dialysis. such a pain! It sucks not being able to work and it sucks not having money. I earn just over 100 a month! Not much to live on really when you think about it. I'm pretty much living trampish ways and I hate it.
I've been using my time flat hunting, no luck so far! need to find somewhere soon or i wont be going to uni :(
So I'm gonna have to import all my blogs from my other site -.- so if anyone actually reads this then that's why it's all published the same date..